We're taaaaaack!

Well. It's been almost 6 months since last we at Shiny Tacky People have brought you the latest in celebrity misdeeds. We can't tell you exactly why, but our absence involves Pete Doherty, a nose job, a statement by Jenny Shimizu, and what it sounds like when doves cry. We have a lot to catch up on, including births, divorces, the most amazing transformation since water into wine (or, in this case, Ripple), and more Charlotte Church-induced fueds than you can shake a stick at.

First, though, we must address the question plaguing all followers of tacky pop cultureculture: Where is Suri Cruise? The first child of Tacky Hall of Fame staple Tom Cruise and his blushing (or is that "bawling") fiancee Katie Holmes was born on April 18 amidst a storm of publicity. However, despite intense scrutiny (and more than one admonition to keep all movements slow and understandable), the littlest thetan has not yet been seen in public. But we at Shiny Tacky People have the scoop on this year's second most eagerly awaited celebrity baby! Shiny Tacky People is pleased to bring you a Shiny Tacky Exclusive:

The Very Secret Diary of Suri Cruise.

Day 1: Goo goo. Gah gah. Dianetics.
Day 2: "Dianetics"? Where in hell did that come from?
Day 3: Well. This is anticlimactic.
Day 4: Jesus, does no one talk around here? I heard more stimulating conversations in the womb.
Day 5: Still silent.
Day 8: Does anyone think it's weird that I haven't been outside yet? Anyone?
Day 9: The short one has finally spoken. Think I preferred it when we didn't talk.
Day 10: You're not fooling anyone, little man.
Day 11: Oh my god, you have to be fucking kidding me. What do clams have to do with anything?
Day 12: Almost 2 weeks and I have yet to see the light of day. Wonder if Angelina and the Box of Duh have had baby yet. Deeply concerned as to possible effects of in vitro US Weekly exposure.
Day 15: Tall brown one has been crying for almost 2 weeks. Understand that someone named "Jen Hasmyfuckingcareer" is the culprit. I'm sorry, gangly one.
Day 19: Short loud one leapt on changing table today and declared heterosexual love for stuffed giraffe. Had to be talked down with promises of photo opportunities with Japanese schoolchildren. Can no longer remember why was in such a hurry to escape the womb.
Day 23: No light. No hope. No photo op. Fear will never escape cloistered prison of cupcakes and thetans.
Day 25: If "thetan" is my first word swear to god will grow up to be Corey Haim.
Day 29: Tonight sibling 1 and sibling 2 and I are escaping. Have spoons, flashlights, and map to Australia. Live free or bust. Confess to being somewhat concerned about sibling 1 and sibling 2, since see them only sporadically and am still not completely convinced as to their existance.
Day 31: Escape attempt failed, despite unexpected aid from tall brown one.
Day 35: Still inside.
Day 38: Still inside.
Day 41: Short loud one is beginning to make sense. Have never been more afraid.
Day 42: But seriously, though. CLAMS?! Suspect I am brains of this particular operation, and have not yet mastered opposable thumbs.

Will Suri ever see the light of day? Will Britney Spears fulfill her destiny and name her second child Kaleyley Lynne Spears Sparkle Federline? Will Shiny Tacky People be updated again before the next solstice?

Stay tuned!

Walking In A Tacky Wonderland

Who's been naughty and who's been....naughtier? We at Shiny Tacky People know! Here's part four in our series of Shiny Tacky Letters to Santa.

****

Dear Santa:

Ugh, did you see how gross and fat Santa is? Repulsive! My strategy is to be nice to him so that he'll bring me presents but I will spend all my time wearing day-glo makeup and badmouthing him whenever I get the opportunity

Oops! Hi, Santa! What I'd like most for Christmas is to know why people think I am so two faced and mean and untalented:(

And also, who drew the mustache on my daughter?

Luv,
Wendy Pepper

Dear Santa:

Do you like my boooooody? I would also like if maybe people wouldn't say I can't go on their shows no more because the insurance is too much.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Anna Nicole Smith

Dear Santa:

BONO? For real? I dissed George W. Bush on LIVE TV, can rock a sweater vest like no other and made chipmunk cheeks in again and I am not the person of the year? That's cold.

Sincerely,
Kanye West

Dear Santa:

This year for Christmas, I'd like a sparkly pink feather boa, lots of kittens that I can name Shiny, Mittens (because it rhymes), Bracelet and LaLa, for Derek Jeter to stop dogging me, for Tommy Mottola to be struck by lightning and for Rockefeller Center to lose the Christmas treee and put up a ginormous MARIAH state, you know what I'm saying?

Love,
Mariah<3333

Dear Santa:

I'm too punk rock for this.

#%&$@^,
Avril Lavigne

Dear Santa:

Seriously, can you do something to stop the penis spam? Thanks.

Yours,
Mallory and Negi

Tacky Clause is watching you

Tis the season to be shallow! We at Shiny Tacky People are pleased to bring you the third part in our ongoing series of Shiny Tacky letters to Santa.

Dear Santa:
This Christmas please bring me double Ds
Tums
a new manager
Credibility.
Sincerely,
Ashlee Simpson

Dear Santa:
You've already got my bloody soul, what the hell else can you possibly wa . . . oh. Sorry, mate. Misread the name.
Merry Christmas,
Golden-Globe-nominee-and-likely-future-Oscar-nominee Heath Ledger

Dear Santa:
This Christmas, please give me an EZ Bake Oven, a new bottle opener, and the last two years of my life back.
Luv XOXOXOXOXOXO
Britney Spears
PS: Jamie Lynn also told me to ask for the biografy of Lorraina Bobbit (whoever that is), but you know I don't read books without pictures.

Dear Santa:
Send help.
Sincerely,
Sean Preston Spears

Here Comes Tacky Claus

Who says shallow, selfish people can't have the holiday spirit? In our never ending quest to make the world a better place, we present to you Part II in our critically acclaimed series of letters to Santa.
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Dear Santa:

I don't ask for a lot, okay? All I want is to have fun and you know what, I do have fun, but people are always so mean to me about it and I am getting really annoyed because it's like, what happens when the head girl at Omega Beta Zeta has the entire football team do body shots off of her and then has sex with her professor in an elevator? You know what happens? She gets to pass her class and she also gets free sessions at the tanning salon, but what happens when I go out and party and kiss the director of my straight to video movie ON THE CHEEK? All of a sudden people are all, "She's such a whore" and that is SO NOT TRUE. I don't understand why people are all, like, against me, when that stupid hotel girl can date people all the time and look ugly doing it and people are like "Oh, Paris, she's like totally cute" because do they all need to go to the eye doctor or something? Have they seen her? People have no business saying that my boob job is bad when she has that hatchet on her face that she calls a nose.

But I am not writing to you to ask you to make her go bakerupt or anything, I am asking for something very simple and very classy, youknowwhatimean? What I really want for Christmas, more than anything, is--well, I mean, I want other things. Like I want the doctor who did my boob job to show me his license because when I asked him to before he showed me his driver's license (the licenses that they make in East Dakota are hella cool) and I don't know, when you do something like that in the basement, I think you should at least be willing to tell people what med school you went to. I also want Tom Brady to return my phone calls, and maybe for Eva Longoria to have some flesh eating bacteria or whatever. But really what I want the most is money to pay January's rent. I'm not poor or anything, but I think it would be real nice of you to help out like that, just until my next movie paycheck comes in.

XOXO!
Tara:)

Dear Santa:

I really want you to appear on Tyra. It would blow Oprah's ratings out of the water! What the hell do I have to do? I have TWO hit shows, I was the star of the last Vicki's Secret show, I told Naomi off TO HER FACE on national TV, I rock a red weave like no other, I have the best momma in the world, I take the time to DRESS UP LIKE A FAT PERSON ON TV, I am the overall FIERCEST woman in America and still people want Janice back on Top Model. It's all they can talk about. Janice, Janice, Janice. But if you come on my show, it will be Santa, Santa, Santa. Just think about it. It's probably your only chance to walk down a catwalk...

Tyra Banks

Dear Santa:

The last few months have been better than my last five Christmases combined. To truly appreciate the freakshow, I'd like a subscription to US Weekly.

Thanks!
Golden Globe nominee Michelle Williams

Dear Santa:

I just want one person to know who I am.

Michelle Williams
PS: No, you didn't get a letter from me already. I'm the other Michelle Williams. From Destiny's Child. Not Beyonce or The Other One. The one who stands in the back.

Tacky Clause is coming to town

As part of our committment to charitable works, we at Shiny Tacky People are pleased to present part I of our holiday series of letters to Santa from Tacky Hall of Famers:

Dear Santa:
This Crismass I would like a little rinestone studded collar and a mink leesh and maybe something for my little dog Tinkerbell. Also, coud you do one of those plague thingies to Nicole Richie? Your the one who does those, rite? At least leave a lump of cole in her stalking. That would be hott.
Nicky said I shood ask for "cultural relevance" but I think she maid those words up.
XOXOXOXO
Paris Hilton

Dear Santa:
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!
Marc Anthony

Dear Santa:
It was too a successful comeback! Was too! Was so!
Demi Moore

Dear Santa:
Thank you anyway, but I've already received the best present of all.
Sincerely,
Nick Lachey

Y'all ain't tacky

It's been a busy few weeks at Shiny Tacky People, and we've been remiss in our duties as reporters of all things shiny and shallow. But for the holidays, we have a shiny tacky treat! As many of you know, Y'all Ain't Ready, a clip from a song off Kevin Federline's upcoming rap album, was recently leaked to the internet. The clip, whose appearance inspired the most press Vanilla Ice has gotten since 1991, has quickly become one of the most popular on the internet.

We at Shiny Tacky People feel privileged to bring you two more exclusive clips from K-Fed's upcoming album, never before seen anywhere on the internet.

The first samples Skeelo's classic rap anthem I wish:
I wish I was a little bit richer
I wish that I weren't hitched,
and
I wish my girl weren't rich so I could ditch her.
I wish that ev'rybody wouldn't laugh
When I rap.
Jealous bitches!


A soulful hidden track, entitled "Stayin' Alive Bitches!' is set to the Bee Gee's classic anthem "Stayin' Alive", and spotlight's Federline's heretofore untapped singing ability:
Well I can tell by the way you point and mock
That you like my cap that says 'Rock yo cock.'
My hair is long,
My girl is dumb,
I ain't seen my kids since they was born.
But it's all a'ight.
It's all okay.
No matter what I buy,
She pays.
You all jus' don' understand
How much ladies love the K-Man!
In spite of all my lovers
And all my baby's mothers I'm
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' alive!
Thanks to penicillin
And laws against killin'
I'm
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Despite the immense lyrical and musical artistry of these and other songs on K-Fed's upcoming album, Britney was reportedly not impressed, and laughed in Kevin's face upon hearing his album for the first time. We can only assume that this was just one of the factors underlying the reported separation of the couple that Subpar Public Education Built.

The Spears family was unavailable for comment: one can only assume the sound of Lynn leaping in the air and clicking her heels drowned out the phone. We attempted to contact Mr. Federline directly, and finally tracked him down at a local public health facility. Mr. Federline declined to comment on his marital status, but had this statement to make to his fans:

"Yo yo yo yo yo! K-Fed up in this mug! Y'all don't be believin' what tha hataz be sayin'. It ain't over 'til we ALL been on Maury, ya heard? Ow! Sonofabitch! Listen, dawg: When a bitch be tellin' you she 20 for the first hour? It don't mean it's her birthday. Listen to yo' man the K-Dawg. He knows.

Big ups to my homies in Fresno!"

We at Shiny Tacky People will, of course, keep you up to date on this and other breaking stories as they unfold: Jessica's bitter separation (the one from Nick and the one between her eyebrows), Marc Anthony's new collaboration with J.Lo (we can't help but speculate that the title "El Cantante" was chosen only because "Dawn of the Dead" had already been taken), and Colin Farrell's rehab stint for dependence on "prescription medications" (we at Shiny Tacky People were surprised to learn that Guinness is now considered a prescription drug).

Deck the halls with baughs of mockery, because the holidays are here and it's a great time to be tacky.

A Shiny Tacky Halloween Wish

Dear Devoted Readers of Shiny Tacky People Who Love Us and Who We Cruelly Hurt By Updating So Rarely:

Thank you for your continued support. Watch this space for regular (!), hilarious (!!) updates in the days to come. In a world where Dominic Monaghan is engaged to a human being and not the troll he shares so much DNA with, we feel it's only fair to be there for you in a way that only tacky, obnoxious people can be.

So in honor of Halloween, we leave you with some delicious celebrity treats...

Britney Spears may not be dead to us all after all!

Kevin Federline recently brought home some music he'd recorded and he played it for Spears, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly.

His efforts were "greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed," reports the mag. "She said his debut CD might sell 'a hundred, maybe a thousand' copies if he was lucky,'" an "insider" told the mag, who added, "Kevin looked really hurt."

Jamie Foxx is one of the good guys. On everybody's favorite midget cult member:

"When he laughs, sometimes he scares me. I'll tell him a joke, he'll start laughing too hard...and I am like, 'Hey man, what the fuck?"

Speaking of the tiniest Scientologist, he and Katie Holmes make it known that they are Hollywood's heppest cats.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes share the same musical tastes despite a 17-year age gap -- they've been to three Barry Manilow concerts since they began dating in April.

Pregnant Holmes admits they both love the aging crooner, and insists the hitmaker pushes all their buttons.

She says, "He is one of our favorite stars."

Oh, how I wish that was a trick and not a treat...

We leave you with Tyra Banks doing a better Paris Hilton than Paris Hilton.


and wishes for all of you bitches to have a Happy Halloween! Look for new content soon...perhaps, in keeping with the Halloween theme, a visit from Tara "Frankenbooby" Reid?

xoxoxoxo!
The Shallow Girls