Tack Is Wack?

We at Shiny Tacky People love opulence and greed; in fact, we've made a living out of it (if you can call surviving on Diet Coke and cupcakes a living, but this isn't the time to pick nits). But we are the first to admit that in some cases, tackiness can have severe side effects.

What happens when one becomes too rich, too famous, too tacky too soon? Does it kill your mind? Your heart? Your soul?

Well, it obviously doesn't kill your mind, because the truly tacky aren't the cleverest of the clever to start out with. Nor does it kill the heart, as tacky heart chambers are stronger than steel. I don't know what this soul business is, so I'll refrain from answering that one.

No, what excess tack in a short time span kills is...this is so painful...your looks.

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was adorable. Young, cute and full of promise. Fresh faced and funny in Mean Girls. The world was hers, she was poised to take Hollywood by storm.

Things took a turn for the worse when Mean Girls came out in April of last year. All of a sudden, Linday had new friends, a new skin tone, a new rack (allegedly), and a a new skeezer boyfriend.

On their own, these events are troubling, but added together in a short time span? Tragikstan. The combined trauma has begun to manifest itself in a very disturbing way. What is the most painful thing for an eighteen-year-old starlet to go through?

(I mean, besides gonorrhea from Fez and/or Colin Farrell)

This is not for the faint of heart or those of you who fear the ugly:

Lindsay Lohan is now 65 years old.

Her body is rebelling against the excess tack. The meteoric levels are just too much. She has wrinkles, bags under her bloodshot eyes and--do I see liver spots? I wouldn't be surprised.

I've seen toothless hookers on 12th street who look more youthful than Linz and they don't reek of ciggies and brandy the way she does. The girl looks positively ancient, and I don't even mean it in the vintagey retro way. I'm talking fossil. Fossil skank.

I don't know if Lindsay will recover from this; there aren't many precedents of so much tack so soon. But even if we can't save Lindsay from the land of the geezers, it's not too late for you.

We at Shiny Tacky People understand the desire to be shallow. All we really want is to be like Vicki Beckham and Kimora Lee Simmons when we grow up. But we know to take it slowly and we urge you to do the same.

Go out every night and party with skanks. Do lines off of David Beckham in a closet. Tan yourself into a pumpkin. Get implants--just don't go to Tara Reid's doctor. We don't advise you to date a cast member of The 70s Show, but we'll respect you if you really need to. But please-please!-don't do it all at once. Your body won't be able to handle it all at once and will wreak havoc on your looks, trying its hardest to regain some (ugh) decorum. And really, who wants that?

There's always going to be room for another shallow girl/guy to join our way of life and respect the tacky. But you don't need to rush into it. Pace yourself on your way to shallow, don't try to do too much too soon. Grab yourself some anti-aging cream and learn from the sad tale of Lindsay Lohan. Extraordinary tackiness too fast isn't worth the damage it does to your self esteem and skin.

Just remember-True Tack Waits