The MTV Tacky Awards

The MTV Movie Awards have long been a haven of tackiness. Where else can you find movie stars that aren't exactly real stars (all the real stars know to prerecord their acceptance speech so they won't have to be interviewed by Paris Hilton on the red carpet and have to sit next to, like, Jack Osbourne, ew) dressed in varying degrees of fug, vying for awards like "Most Frightening Movie Moment".

This year, Shiny Tacky People reasons, the tackiness has reached an extreme. I mean, everywhere you looked, there was something or someone ridiculous. Like the very blonde Lindsay Lohan being the most respected thespian in attendance (yes, we are aware that Hilary Swank was in the audience). Or the Breakfast Club "reunion" that featured Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall and a very, very high Ally Sheedy. Or Eminem mocking the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog incident from, like, five years ago. Yo, Em? I think two weeks is ample time to get over a stuffed animal teasing you, mmmkay?

Also, we learned that the blow up doll industry has reached impressive new heights. Just look at the Jessica Simpson doll! It's almost human with just the right touch of...hmm? That's human?! That's the real Jessica Simpson? Not the porn actress Jessycka Sympsyn currently starring in Dicks of Hazzard? Oh.

The pinnacle of the night's tackiness was, of course, the grand coming out party of America's Sweethearts, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. [The STP legal team advised me to err on the side of caution and expunge references to "Tom Cruise" and "Coming out", but I assured them that I meant no harm] They kiss! They're in love! They mock the tragic Oprah appearance!

They...is she wearing a pantsuit? I swear Fran Drescher wore that very thing on an episode of The Nanny.

Katie was there to present Tom with a Lifetime Achievement award and, I've got to say, he took it very seriously. More serious than one should take an award that comes in the form of popcorn. An award that was previously given to that Wookie thing. An award at a show hosted by Jimmy Fallon.

He cares about us, y'all. He does it all for us. He wants us to be entertained. He is thinking of us all the time. He cares SO MUCH. THAT'S why he laughs like a maniac with dead eyes, THAT'S why he he plays the same character in every movie, THAT'S why he preaches the power of a cult, BECAUSE HE CARES!

Dustin Hoffman was sitting in the audience all, "Yeah, and I'm the one who played the autistic guy in Rain Man?"

Tom later came back out with the spectacularly poised Dakota Fanning to present the movie of the year.

For someone whose entire life is unscripted and unoriginal [This is your last warning--STP Legal Team], Tom sure isn't good at reading off of a teleprompter. [A comment regarding the proficiency of the Church of Scientology at curing dyslexia has been removed at the discretion of the writer]

The award went to Napoleon Dynamite and, for all of his "WooooO! I watch BET! Jada Pinkett Smith and I are BFF! I ride a motorcycle, beyotches! I'm young! I'm young, damn it!" posturing, Tom really doesn't know a thing about the kids today, as he couldn't hide his confusion. "What? A historical epic won movie of the year and it was not a retroactive award for my tour de force The Last Samurai? Dynomite? Is this a documentary about Good Times? I...hey, is Ryan Gosling looking at me? He is. Is my hair all right? Do I look fat?"

If you missed the show, do turn in for one of the 9,353,637 rebroadcasts on MTV this weekend.