The week in tacky

It's been a busy week here at the offices of Shiny Tacky People. In addition to the continued fallout from the Kenny Chesney/Renee Zellwegger split [A petition has been submitted to Webster's Dictionary to include "Peyton Manning" in their definition of "fraud," as the words appear to be synonymous], Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher announced that they have married in a private ceremony. The nation (with the notable exception of US Magazine) heaved a collective gasp of disinterest. The happy couple later issued a statement clarifying that, despite reports to the contrary, Corpse Bride is not, in fact, the wedding video.

Leaves are changing color, pumpkins are on sale, and there's a chill in the air. Fall is here, and that means it's time for the seasonal announcement that Nich Lachey and Jessica Simpson are divorcing. The latest report has been denied by Jessica, by Nick, and by Joe Simpson, perhaps the most vocal and active participant in the marriage.

In other Simpson family news, Ashlee Simpson, the face of acid reflux disease, is returning to Saturday Night Live on October 8th. We at Shiny Tacky People cherish a fond hope that this time, instead of initiating a ho down, she'll pull the remaining member of Milli Vanilli onstage for an actual square dance. In preparation for the appearance, hospitals all over the country are readying their detox units and offering courses on the Heimlich manuever so that viewers can save loved ones and themselves from choking on incredulity.

And finally, Tom and Katie have returned to the national spotlight with an entirely heterosexual vengeance. Yesterday Katie Holmes announced that she is pregnant with fiancee Tom Cruise's baby. This happy announcement raises several questions, not least of which is how Tom will demonstrate his joy on the inevitable Oprah appearance. We at Shiny Tacky People suggest that Oprah Scotch-guard her studio couches in preparation. Of course, the main question on everyone's mind is what TomKat will name The Baby that Completely Heterosexual Love Built. Shiny Tacky People would like to respectfully suggest that the happy couple name their baby "England": What better name for the littlest Thetan than the name of the country both parents were thinking of at the time of conception?