We're taaaaaack!

Well. It's been almost 6 months since last we at Shiny Tacky People have brought you the latest in celebrity misdeeds. We can't tell you exactly why, but our absence involves Pete Doherty, a nose job, a statement by Jenny Shimizu, and what it sounds like when doves cry. We have a lot to catch up on, including births, divorces, the most amazing transformation since water into wine (or, in this case, Ripple), and more Charlotte Church-induced fueds than you can shake a stick at.

First, though, we must address the question plaguing all followers of tacky pop cultureculture: Where is Suri Cruise? The first child of Tacky Hall of Fame staple Tom Cruise and his blushing (or is that "bawling") fiancee Katie Holmes was born on April 18 amidst a storm of publicity. However, despite intense scrutiny (and more than one admonition to keep all movements slow and understandable), the littlest thetan has not yet been seen in public. But we at Shiny Tacky People have the scoop on this year's second most eagerly awaited celebrity baby! Shiny Tacky People is pleased to bring you a Shiny Tacky Exclusive:

The Very Secret Diary of Suri Cruise.

Day 1: Goo goo. Gah gah. Dianetics.
Day 2: "Dianetics"? Where in hell did that come from?
Day 3: Well. This is anticlimactic.
Day 4: Jesus, does no one talk around here? I heard more stimulating conversations in the womb.
Day 5: Still silent.
Day 8: Does anyone think it's weird that I haven't been outside yet? Anyone?
Day 9: The short one has finally spoken. Think I preferred it when we didn't talk.
Day 10: You're not fooling anyone, little man.
Day 11: Oh my god, you have to be fucking kidding me. What do clams have to do with anything?
Day 12: Almost 2 weeks and I have yet to see the light of day. Wonder if Angelina and the Box of Duh have had baby yet. Deeply concerned as to possible effects of in vitro US Weekly exposure.
Day 15: Tall brown one has been crying for almost 2 weeks. Understand that someone named "Jen Hasmyfuckingcareer" is the culprit. I'm sorry, gangly one.
Day 19: Short loud one leapt on changing table today and declared heterosexual love for stuffed giraffe. Had to be talked down with promises of photo opportunities with Japanese schoolchildren. Can no longer remember why was in such a hurry to escape the womb.
Day 23: No light. No hope. No photo op. Fear will never escape cloistered prison of cupcakes and thetans.
Day 25: If "thetan" is my first word swear to god will grow up to be Corey Haim.
Day 29: Tonight sibling 1 and sibling 2 and I are escaping. Have spoons, flashlights, and map to Australia. Live free or bust. Confess to being somewhat concerned about sibling 1 and sibling 2, since see them only sporadically and am still not completely convinced as to their existance.
Day 31: Escape attempt failed, despite unexpected aid from tall brown one.
Day 35: Still inside.
Day 38: Still inside.
Day 41: Short loud one is beginning to make sense. Have never been more afraid.
Day 42: But seriously, though. CLAMS?! Suspect I am brains of this particular operation, and have not yet mastered opposable thumbs.

Will Suri ever see the light of day? Will Britney Spears fulfill her destiny and name her second child Kaleyley Lynne Spears Sparkle Federline? Will Shiny Tacky People be updated again before the next solstice?

Stay tuned!