Shiny Tacky People

We're taaaaaack!

2006-06-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well. It's been almost 6 months since last we at Shiny Tacky People have brought you the latest in celebrity misdeeds. We can't tell you exactly why, but our absence involves Pete Doherty, a nose job, a statement by Jenny Shimizu, and what it sounds like when doves cry. We have a lot to catch up on, including births, divorces, the most amazing transformation since water into wine (or, in this case, Ripple), and more Charlotte Church-induced fueds than you can shake a stick at.

First, though, we must address the question plaguing all followers of tacky pop cultureculture: Where is Suri Cruise? The first child of Tacky Hall of Fame staple Tom Cruise and his blushing (or is that "bawling") fiancee Katie Holmes was born on April 18 amidst a storm of publicity. However, despite intense scrutiny (and more than one admonition to keep all movements slow and understandable), the littlest thetan has not yet been seen in public. But we at Shiny Tacky People have the scoop on this year's second most eagerly awaited celebrity baby! Shiny Tacky People is pleased to bring you a Shiny Tacky Exclusive:

The Very Secret Diary of Suri Cruise.

Day 1: Goo goo. Gah gah. Dianetics.
Day 2: "Dianetics"? Where in hell did that come from?
Day 3: Well. This is anticlimactic.
Day 4: Jesus, does no one talk around here? I heard more stimulating conversations in the womb.
Day 5: Still silent.
Day 8: Does anyone think it's weird that I haven't been outside yet? Anyone?
Day 9: The short one has finally spoken. Think I preferred it when we didn't talk.
Day 10: You're not fooling anyone, little man.
Day 11: Oh my god, you have to be fucking kidding me. What do clams have to do with anything?
Day 12: Almost 2 weeks and I have yet to see the light of day. Wonder if Angelina and the Box of Duh have had baby yet. Deeply concerned as to possible effects of in vitro US Weekly exposure.
Day 15: Tall brown one has been crying for almost 2 weeks. Understand that someone named "Jen Hasmyfuckingcareer" is the culprit. I'm sorry, gangly one.
Day 19: Short loud one leapt on changing table today and declared heterosexual love for stuffed giraffe. Had to be talked down with promises of photo opportunities with Japanese schoolchildren. Can no longer remember why was in such a hurry to escape the womb.
Day 23: No light. No hope. No photo op. Fear will never escape cloistered prison of cupcakes and thetans.
Day 25: If "thetan" is my first word swear to god will grow up to be Corey Haim.
Day 29: Tonight sibling 1 and sibling 2 and I are escaping. Have spoons, flashlights, and map to Australia. Live free or bust. Confess to being somewhat concerned about sibling 1 and sibling 2, since see them only sporadically and am still not completely convinced as to their existance.
Day 31: Escape attempt failed, despite unexpected aid from tall brown one.
Day 35: Still inside.
Day 38: Still inside.
Day 41: Short loud one is beginning to make sense. Have never been more afraid.
Day 42: But seriously, though. CLAMS?! Suspect I am brains of this particular operation, and have not yet mastered opposable thumbs.

Will Suri ever see the light of day? Will Britney Spears fulfill her destiny and name her second child Kaleyley Lynne Spears Sparkle Federline? Will Shiny Tacky People be updated again before the next solstice?

Stay tuned!

Walking In A Tacky Wonderland

2005-12-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Who's been naughty and who's been....naughtier? We at Shiny Tacky People know! Here's part four in our series of Shiny Tacky Letters to Santa.

****

Dear Santa:

Ugh, did you see how gross and fat Santa is? Repulsive! My strategy is to be nice to him so that he'll bring me presents but I will spend all my time wearing day-glo makeup and badmouthing him whenever I get the opportunity

Oops! Hi, Santa! What I'd like most for Christmas is to know why people think I am so two faced and mean and untalented:(

And also, who drew the mustache on my daughter?

Luv,
Wendy Pepper

Dear Santa:

Do you like my boooooody? I would also like if maybe people wouldn't say I can't go on their shows no more because the insurance is too much.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Anna Nicole Smith

Dear Santa:

BONO? For real? I dissed George W. Bush on LIVE TV, can rock a sweater vest like no other and made chipmunk cheeks in again and I am not the person of the year? That's cold.

Sincerely,
Kanye West

Dear Santa:

This year for Christmas, I'd like a sparkly pink feather boa, lots of kittens that I can name Shiny, Mittens (because it rhymes), Bracelet and LaLa, for Derek Jeter to stop dogging me, for Tommy Mottola to be struck by lightning and for Rockefeller Center to lose the Christmas treee and put up a ginormous MARIAH state, you know what I'm saying?

Love,
Mariah<3333

Dear Santa:

I'm too punk rock for this.

#%&$@^,
Avril Lavigne

Dear Santa:

Seriously, can you do something to stop the penis spam? Thanks.

Yours,
Mallory and Negi

Tacky Clause is watching you

2005-12-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be shallow! We at Shiny Tacky People are pleased to bring you the third part in our ongoing series of Shiny Tacky letters to Santa.

Dear Santa:
This Christmas please bring me ~~double Ds~~
~~Tums~~
~~a new manager~~
Cred i bility.
Sincerely,
Ashlee Simpson

Dear Santa:
You've already got my bloody soul, what the hell else can you possibly wa . . . oh. Sorry, mate. Misread the name.
Merry Christmas,
Golden-Globe-nominee-and-likely-future-Oscar-nominee Heath Ledger

Dear Santa:
This Christmas, please give me an EZ Bake Oven, a new bottle opener, and the last two years of my life back.
Luv XOXOXOXOXOXO
Britney Spears
PS: Jamie Lynn also told me to ask for the biografy of Lorraina Bobbit (whoever that is), but you know I don't read books without pictures.

Dear Santa:
Send help.
Sincerely,
Sean Preston Spears

Here Comes Tacky Claus

2005-12-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

Who says shallow, selfish people can't have the holiday spirit? In our never ending quest to make the world a better place, we present to you Part II in our critically acclaimed series of letters to Santa.
***

Dear Santa:

I don't ask for a lot, okay? All I want is to have fun and you know what, I do have fun, but people are always so mean to me about it and I am getting really annoyed because it's like, what happens when the head girl at Omega Beta Zeta has the entire football team do body shots off of her and then has sex with her professor in an elevator? You know what happens? She gets to pass her class and she also gets free sessions at the tanning salon, but what happens when I go out and party and kiss the director of my straight to video movie ON THE CHEEK? All of a sudden people are all, "She's such a whore" and that is SO NOT TRUE. I don't understand why people are all, like, against me, when that stupid hotel girl can date people all the time and look ugly doing it and people are like "Oh, Paris, she's like totally cute" because do they all need to go to the eye doctor or something? Have they seen her? People have no business saying that my boob job is bad when she has that hatchet on her face that she calls a nose.

But I am not writing to you to ask you to make her go bakerupt or anything, I am asking for something very simple and very classy, youknowwhatimean? What I really want for Christmas, more than anything, is--well, I mean, I want other things. Like I want the doctor who did my boob job to show me his license because when I asked him to before he showed me his driver's license (the licenses that they make in East Dakota are hella cool) and I don't know, when you do something like that in the basement, I think you should at least be willing to tell people what med school you went to. I also want Tom Brady to return my phone calls, and maybe for Eva Longoria to have some flesh eating bacteria or whatever. But really what I want the most is money to pay January's rent. I'm not poor or anything, but I think it would be real nice of you to help out like that, just until my next movie paycheck comes in.

XOXO!
Tara:)

Dear Santa:

I really want you to appear on Tyra. It would blow Oprah's ratings out of the water! What the hell do I have to do? I have TWO hit shows, I was the star of the last Vicki's Secret show, I told Naomi off TO HER FACE on national TV, I rock a red weave like no other, I have the best momma in the world, I take the time to DRESS UP LIKE A FAT PERSON ON TV, I am the overall FIERCEST woman in America and still people want Janice back on Top Model. It's all they can talk about. Janice, Janice, Janice. But if you come on my show, it will be Santa, Santa, Santa. Just think about it. It's probably your only chance to walk down a catwalk...

Tyra Banks

Dear Santa:

The last few months have been better than my last five Christmases combined. To truly appreciate the freakshow, I'd like a subscription to US Weekly.

Thanks!
Golden Globe nominee Michelle Williams

Dear Santa:

I just want one person to know who I am.

Michelle Williams
PS: No, you didn't get a letter from me already. I'm the other Michelle Williams. From Destiny's Child. Not Beyonce or The Other One. The one who stands in the back.

Tacky Clause is coming to town

2005-12-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

As part of our committment to charitable works, we at Shiny Tacky People are pleased to present part I of our holiday series of letters to Santa from Tacky Hall of Famers:

Dear Santa:
This Crismass I would like a little rinestone studded collar and a mink leesh and maybe something for my little dog Tinkerbell. Also, coud you do one of those plague thingies to Nicole Richie? Your the one who does those, rite? At least leave a lump of cole in her stalking. That would be hott.
Nicky said I shood ask for "cultural relevance" but I think she maid those words up.
XOXOXOXO
Paris Hilton

Dear Santa:
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!
Marc Anthony

Dear Santa:
It was too a successful comeback! Was too! Was so!
Demi Moore

Dear Santa:
Thank you anyway, but I've already received the best present of all.
Sincerely,
Nick Lachey

Y'all ain't tacky

2005-12-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy few weeks at Shiny Tacky People, and we've been remiss in our duties as reporters of all things shiny and shallow. But for the holidays, we have a shiny tacky treat! As many of you know, Y'all Ain't Ready, a clip from a song off Kevin Federline's upcoming rap album, was recently leaked to the internet. The clip, whose appearance inspired the most press Vanilla Ice has gotten since 1991, has quickly become one of the most popular on the internet.

We at Shiny Tacky People feel privileged to bring you two more exclusive clips from K-Fed's upcoming album, never before seen anywhere on the internet.

The first samples Skeelo's classic rap anthem I wish:
I wish I was a little bit richer
I wish that I weren't hitched,
and
I wish my girl weren't rich so I could ditch her.
I wish that ev'rybody wouldn't laugh
When I rap.
Jealous bitches!

A soulful hidden track, entitled "Stayin' Alive Bitches!' is set to the Bee Gee's classic anthem "Stayin' Alive", and spotlight's Federline's heretofore untapped singing ability:
Well I can tell by the way you point and mock
That you like my cap that says 'Rock yo cock.'
My hair is long,
My girl is dumb,
I ain't seen my kids since they was born.
But it's all a'ight.
It's all okay.
No matter what I buy,
She pays.
You all jus' don' understand
How much ladies love the K-Man!
In spite of all my lovers
And all my baby's mothers I'm
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' alive!
Thanks to penicillin
And laws against killin'
I'm
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' alive!
Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Despite the immense lyrical and musical artistry of these and other songs on K-Fed's upcoming album, Britney was reportedly not impressed, and laughed in Kevin's face upon hearing his album for the first time. We can only assume that this was just one of the factors underlying the reported separation of the couple that Subpar Public Education Built.

The Spears family was unavailable for comment: one can only assume the sound of Lynn leaping in the air and clicking her heels drowned out the phone. We attempted to contact Mr. Federline directly, and finally tracked him down at a local public health facility. Mr. Federline declined to comment on his marital status, but had this statement to make to his fans:

"Yo yo yo yo yo! K-Fed up in this mug! Y'all don't be believin' what tha hataz be sayin'. It ain't over 'til we ALL been on Maury, ya heard? Ow! Sonofabitch! Listen, dawg: When a bitch be tellin' you she 20 for the first hour? It don't mean it's her birthday. Listen to yo' man the K-Dawg. He knows.

Big ups to my homies in Fresno!"

We at Shiny Tacky People will, of course, keep you up to date on this and other breaking stories as they unfold: Jessica's bitter separation (the one from Nick and the one between her eyebrows), Marc Anthony's new collaboration with J.Lo (we can't help but speculate that the title "El Cantante" was chosen only because "Dawn of the Dead" had already been taken), and Colin Farrell's rehab stint for dependence on "prescription medications" (we at Shiny Tacky People were surprised to learn that Guinness is now considered a prescription drug).

Deck the halls with baughs of mockery, because the holidays are here and it's a great time to be tacky.

A Shiny Tacky Halloween Wish

2005-10-31T16:15:00.001-08:00

Dear Devoted Readers of Shiny Tacky People Who Love Us and Who We Cruelly Hurt By Updating So Rarely:

Thank you for your continued support. Watch this space for regular (!), hilarious (!!) updates in the days to come. In a world where Dominic Monaghan is engaged to a human being and not the troll he shares so much DNA with, we feel it's only fair to be there for you in a way that only tacky, obnoxious people can be.

So in honor of Halloween, we leave you with some delicious celebrity treats...

Britney Spears may not be dead to us all after all!

Kevin Federline recently brought home some music he'd recorded and he played it for Spears, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly.

His efforts were "greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed," reports the mag. "She said his debut CD might sell 'a hundred, maybe a thousand' copies if he was lucky,'" an "insider" told the mag, who added, "Kevin looked really hurt."

Jamie Foxx is one of the good guys. On everybody's favorite midget cult member:

"When he laughs, sometimes he scares me. I'll tell him a joke, he'll start laughing too hard...and I am like, 'Hey man, what the fuck?"

Speaking of the tiniest Scientologist, he and Katie Holmes make it known that they are Hollywood's heppest cats.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes share the same musical tastes despite a 17-year age gap -- they've been to three Barry Manilow concerts since they began dating in April.

Pregnant Holmes admits they both love the aging crooner, and insists the hitmaker pushes all their buttons.

She says, "He is one of our favorite stars."

Oh, how I wish that was a trick and not a treat...

We leave you with Tyra Banks doing a better Paris Hilton than Paris Hilton.

and wishes for all of you bitches to have a Happy Halloween! Look for new content soon...perhaps, in keeping with the Halloween theme, a visit from Tara "Frankenbooby" Reid?

xoxoxoxo!
The Shallow Girls

The week in tacky

2005-10-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week here at the offices of Shiny Tacky People. In addition to the continued fallout from the Kenny Chesney/Renee Zellwegger split [A petition has been submitted to Webster's Dictionary to include "Peyton Manning" in their definition of "fraud," as the words appear to be synonymous], Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher announced that they have married in a private ceremony. The nation (with the notable exception of US Magazine) heaved a collective gasp of disinterest. The happy couple later issued a statement clarifying that, despite reports to the contrary, Corpse Bride is not, in fact, the wedding video.

Leaves are changing color, pumpkins are on sale, and there's a chill in the air. Fall is here, and that means it's time for the seasonal announcement that Nich Lachey and Jessica Simpson are divorcing. The latest report has been denied by Jessica, by Nick, and by Joe Simpson, perhaps the most vocal and active participant in the marriage.

In other Simpson family news, Ashlee Simpson, the face of acid reflux disease, is returning to Saturday Night Live on October 8th. We at Shiny Tacky People cherish a fond hope that this time, instead of initiating a ho down, she'll pull the remaining member of Milli Vanilli onstage for an actual square dance. In preparation for the appearance, hospitals all over the country are readying their detox units and offering courses on the Heimlich manuever so that viewers can save loved ones and themselves from choking on incredulity.

And finally, Tom and Katie have returned to the national spotlight with an entirely heterosexual vengeance. Yesterday Katie Holmes announced that she is pregnant with fiancee Tom Cruise's baby. This happy announcement raises several questions, not least of which is how Tom will demonstrate his joy on the inevitable Oprah appearance. We at Shiny Tacky People suggest that Oprah Scotch-guard her studio couches in preparation. Of course, the main question on everyone's mind is what TomKat will name The Baby that Completely Heterosexual Love Built. Shiny Tacky People would like to respectfully suggest that the happy couple name their baby "England": What better name for the littlest Thetan than the name of the country both parents were thinking of at the time of conception?

All Hail Queen Tacky

2005-09-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a week it has been, you guys. Britney and Kevin welcomed Baby Federline to the family compound, Fraudulent Kenny Chesney and wife Renee Zellweger split after four months of wedded bliss, Tori Spelling and her fake hair, boobs and nose are divorcing from her screenwriter husband, Gwyneth Paltrow hates America, Kate Moss was photographed using cocaine, Donald Trump is going to guest star on Days of Our Lives, and Tara Reid is canoodling again with JC Chasez (allegedly) but, on a scale of One to Tacky, all of that was eclipsed phenomenally by British glamour model Jordan and her wedding.

(Is it a wedding, even? Or should I call it "The greatest thing anybody has ever done, ever"? Because that's a bit more fitting)

Like Gwyneth, I am extremely disappointed at this moment to be an American, namely because we don't get the delicious press coverage that this historic moment truly deserves. British people have all the fun! It has all of the makings of a perfect wedding.

Grace Kelly and Jackie Kennedy went for the classics with their wedding dresses, and Carolyn Bessette chose to be a minimalist. None of that for Jordan, no. The Bride wore an enormous dress with an eons-long train and, when complimented on it, said "Well, it's big and pink and sparkly innit? "

It is, Jordan, it is.

Don't let the pink fluffiness fool you--she's no shrinking violet. When her father was seated away from the rest of the family, she lashed out and screamed, 'You should be at the front table. Whoever put you at the back table, I'm going to bollock them.'

Oh, how I love the classy dames. I started kvelling at this point.

She arrived in a pink carriage with a pink fur rug, pulled by miniature horses, as doves were released from the folds of her ginormous dress. This made me hyperventilate.

It's a level of prettyprettyprincess that Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Snow White all tried and failed at.

The groom, Peter Andre, took fashion cues from Colin Farrell on the set of Miami Vice and learned that long, greasy hair is the way to go. He wore hair extensions and a sequined vest (!!!!). A bewigged orchestra performed for guests.

The bride and groom celebrated their love for each other by dancing to their own rendition of "A Whole New World". Are you dying yet? ARE YOU?! The bride's ring is big; "It's so big, I can't bend my finger"!

All I can say, truly, is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three cheers to the happy couple, for they have set the bar higher than any of us could ever hope to. Thank you, Jordan, thank you.

[The above is, in fact, the real couple, not the dolls placed atop the cake]

Tacky birthday!

2005-09-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

We at Shiny Tacky People would like to extend our congratulations to Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline, who today welcomed their first child, a boy.

Shiny Tacky People will bring you up-to-the-minute interviews, pictures, and celebrity perspectives on this joyous event as they become available.

In the meantime, please join us as we welcome Baby Federline to the tune of "Twinkle twinkle little star":

Twinkle twinkle stars do shine
Welcome Baby Federline.
Your name is a running joke:
Let's just hope it isn't "Toke."
Twinkle twinkle little star.
Your birth beats "Taradise" by far.

Twinkle twinkle stars do shine.
Welcome little Federline.
We hope that in a year or two
You'll teach your dad to tie his shoes.
Twinkle twinkle make a wish,
It just gets stranger after this.

From Our Tacky Inbox

2005-09-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

To: shinytackypeople@gmail.com
From: princesstarababi@yahoo.com

Dear Mallory and Negi,

So I don't usually write to people on the internet, because the one time I tried to use AOL, all of these old guys started to IM me and it was creepy and gross, but I needed to write to you two because you guys haven't been updating your website and, like, I think my fans want to know what I'm up to, you know? And you guys are always real good about talking about me and stuff, but now I feel like I'm sort of being ignored, and I really HATE being ignored. I don't like when that stupid hotel girl who just got her hair cut and now she looks like the mom on The Brady Bunch did it, and I don't like when you do it either, SO!

I mean, I have my own show now, you guys and it is soooooo much fun. I mean, it's not, like, acting, it's even more fun than that because I get to travel allll over the world and meet really fun people and really hot guys, and it's like so awesome because I get to eat good food and swim and drink a lot. I mean, not that I'm, like, a party girl or anything, because the media totally lies about that, I am an adult, y'know? And I drink in moderation, I mean, it's not like five margaritas during happy hour are anything to really worry about. You're only a party girl if, like, you throw up during happy hour and I haven't done that since I was fourteen.

But maybe you guys don't have cable or something and didn't know about it. And that's so okay, it's not anything to be ashamed of, I couldn't afford cable until I got this show.

Other than Taradise (Isn't that the coolest name ever? It's like a mix of my name and paradise! Taradise! It's the funnest. Whoever made that up is real smart), I've been tannin and chillin and shoppin. I loooove shopping, for shoes especially. And, like, when I went to London I needed a whole room for my shoes, which is FINE and totally normal, you know? Like sometimes parents get separate rooms for their kids, and since I don't have kids, I used my extra room for shoes. People need lives if they are going to get mad at me about that. And they're all like, "But Paris didn't ask for a room for HER shoes" and I'm like, "Well, if she didn't wear a size 12 shoe, she could probably FIND enough shoes to put in a room but she can't since she is a FREAK who, like, is really ugly."

It's really hard when people hate you for no reason. Like, when I was doing an episode of my show, this girl came up to me and was all, "You're such a skank" and I was just sitting there, minding my own business. I mean, it must be because I'm so successful at what I do, and because people like taking my picture. It's not like I slept with her boyfriend, or something. Whatever. Life is, like, not long, so we shouldn't get upset about people hating us for no reason, because it's like not worth it, and they are probably ugly anyways. And you can quote me on that.

I also discovered the hottest new bar and club and they named a shot after me! I don't want to give away too many details, because, like, I don't want Debbies to come to the bar and try to steal my turf, or even worse have, like, Lindsay Lohan come and be all up in it, so I'm going to keep the name a secret, but I can tell you that it is in the most happening city in New York. I went there last night with these peeps that I met at the airport one day and we had sooooo much fun. I'm the VIP!

Some girl was like, "I really like your trucker hat, it's so 2003” and I'm like, "WhatEVER". Because doesn't she know that retro is totally hott right now? Really.

So yeah, that's basically what I've been doing with my time. I hope that you guys, like, come back soon and whatever, and write about me in the news, because my fans probably miss it lots, you know? Mallory, if you do, I'll so give you Tom Brady's phone number. If he didn't change it, I mean, since the last time that I called him and he said something about a restraining order or whatever.

Love Ya!

XOXO!
Tara:)

For The Tacky Record

2005-08-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

After much soul searching, we at Shiny Tacky People have decided to go on the record regarding the most decisive issue our country is currently facing today. We're not cowards; we don't want to come across as flip floppers, or girls who don't mean what they say.

We are members of Team Aniston

As you might have heard, the former Mrs. Pitt broke her silence and gave an interview to Vanity Fair about life after Brad, Home-Wrecka Angelina Jolie and life after Friends.

Choice quotes include:

"I can't say it was one of the highlights of my year...who would deal with that and say, 'Isn't that sweet! That looks like fun?' But s--- happens. You joke and say, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'"

On the infamous Brad&Angie W editorial:

"There's a sensitivity chip that's missing [from Pitt]...Is it odd timing. Yeah, but it's not my life. He makes his choices. He can do - whatever. We're [soon to be] divorced and you can see why."

MEOW!

On Brad's bad hair:

"Billy Idol called - he wants his look back"

And, with that, our hearts were stolen by Jenny A. In a matter of minutes, she righted all the wrongs of the past ten years--the latter seasons of Friends, The Object of My Affection and the damn Rachel haircut.

As far as we are concerned, Angelina poses no serious threat to Team Aniston and, honestly, should lose for a number of reasons:

The endless "Sexiest Woman Everrrrrrrrrrrrrr" hype. Is she hot? Yeah (though she looks downright scary from certain angles). Does she know it? Yeah. Do I hate the way that she stares into the camera sexily, opting for cheesy making love to the camera poses to highlight her sex appeal? Yeah. Just smile, heffa!

Life Or Something Like It

The endless pretension. We know you are saving the world. And that's great. We at Shiny Tacky People fully believe in giving money and last season's clothes to charity. But really, Angelina? Tone down the condescension, like, two or so notches, 'kay?

Taking Lives

She is famous for playing WILDANDCRAZY characters. Which is great and all, except...can we really call you a good actress if all you're doing is playing yourself?

Blood vial necklaces worn whilst admitting to having sex with Billy Bob Thornton on the way to a premiere

On a related tip, having sex with Billy Bob Thornton willingly, at least once

Maybe we're just overly judgmental (stop laughing), but we're of the firm opinion that having sex with Billy Bob should disqualify you from life in general. I mean, if Laura Dern was shunned by society (has she made a movie since Jurassic Park? Ah, yes, she has...I Am Sam), shouldn't Angelina have to suffer the same fate?

And, really, Brad Pitt? Blander than bland, hardly talented and, like Negi pointed out, prone to walking around with his mouth open. While P. Diddy can rock the moutbreather look, Brad can't, sorry.

So, here's to Jennifer Aniston. We love you, girl (and you really do have great hair. Remember when you had the chin length bob? That was awesome. Good times)! Raise a glass of ice cold water with lemon, and cut those carbs out in honor of Jennifer Aniston! Wooo!

The Sound of Tacky

2005-06-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

In celebration of our 6 month anniversary of not being sued, we here at Shiny Tacky People would like to take this opportunity to commemorate a few of our favorite moments in tack of recent months.

Shiny Tacky Favorite Things*
[*To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" . . . more or less]

Angie and Brad Pitt behaving like strangers;
Samuel L. Jackson away in a manger;
P. Diddy's acne acne can't outshine his bling;
These are my shiny, tacky fav'rite things.

Tom Cruise is TALL and he's marrying Joey;
She's a GIRL and their STRAIGHT love isn't showy.
He made her a Clam and then gave her a ring;
These are my STRAIGHT AND TALL favorite things.

Michael Jackson was at long last acquitted,
Now he and O.J. can find out who did it;
Justice is for those who are not Pop's King;
These are my shiny, tacky fav'rite things.

When Becks cheats or
Ashlee sings or
Poor Paris gets hacked,
I simply remember Tom "doing the Cruise",
And then I don't feel so bad.

Chaotic's a bust for both adults and youth;
I guess we just couldn't handle their truth;
Now Britney's pregnant and all we can say
Is send all your prayers to baby Kaleyley.

Paris is marrying Paris (in Paris?).
Skinny blonde Lindsey continues to scare us;
She looks like an Olsen and keeps trying to sing;
These are our shiny, tacky fav'rite things.

Compared to his wife, Nick's fame is ending sooner;
Is that a Jackass she's eating, or tuna?
Ashlee Simpson dances Cotton Eyed Joe;
Tara Reid and her nipple receive their own show.

Maniacal laughter from Crazy Tom Cruise;
K-Fed's patois and his untied white shoes;
J.Lo's corpse husband and belated ring;
These are my shiny, tacky fav'rite things.

When Becks cheats or
Ashlee sings or
Russell Crowe gets mad,
I simply remember that I'm not Lynne Spears
And then I don't feel so baaaaaaad.

The MTV Tacky Awards

2005-06-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

The MTV Movie Awards have long been a haven of tackiness. Where else can you find movie stars that aren't exactly real stars (all the real stars know to prerecord their acceptance speech so they won't have to be interviewed by Paris Hilton on the red carpet and have to sit next to, like, Jack Osbourne, ew) dressed in varying degrees of fug, vying for awards like "Most Frightening Movie Moment".

This year, Shiny Tacky People reasons, the tackiness has reached an extreme. I mean, everywhere you looked, there was something or someone ridiculous. Like the very blonde Lindsay Lohan being the most respected thespian in attendance (yes, we are aware that Hilary Swank was in the audience). Or the Breakfast Club "reunion" that featured Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall and a very, very high Ally Sheedy. Or Eminem mocking the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog incident from, like, five years ago. Yo, Em? I think two weeks is ample time to get over a stuffed animal teasing you, mmmkay?

Also, we learned that the blow up doll industry has reached impressive new heights. Just look at the Jessica Simpson doll! It's almost human with just the right touch of...hmm? That's human?! That's the real Jessica Simpson? Not the porn actress Jessycka Sympsyn currently starring in Dicks of Hazzard? Oh.

The pinnacle of the night's tackiness was, of course, the grand coming out party of America's Sweethearts, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. [The STP legal team advised me to err on the side of caution and expunge references to "Tom Cruise" and "Coming out", but I assured them that I meant no harm] They kiss! They're in love! They mock the tragic Oprah appearance!

They...is she wearing a pantsuit? I swear Fran Drescher wore that very thing on an episode of The Nanny.

Katie was there to present Tom with a Lifetime Achievement award and, I've got to say, he took it very seriously. More serious than one should take an award that comes in the form of popcorn. An award that was previously given to that Wookie thing. An award at a show hosted by Jimmy Fallon.

He cares about us, y'all. He does it all for us. He wants us to be entertained. He is thinking of us all the time. He cares SO MUCH. THAT'S why he laughs like a maniac with dead eyes, THAT'S why he he plays the same character in every movie, THAT'S why he preaches the power of a cult, BECAUSE HE CARES!

Dustin Hoffman was sitting in the audience all, "Yeah, and I'm the one who played the autistic guy in Rain Man?"

Tom later came back out with the spectacularly poised Dakota Fanning to present the movie of the year.

For someone whose entire life is unscripted and unoriginal [This is your last warning--STP Legal Team], Tom sure isn't good at reading off of a teleprompter. [A comment regarding the proficiency of the Church of Scientology at curing dyslexia has been removed at the discretion of the writer]

The award went to Napoleon Dynamite and, for all of his "WooooO! I watch BET! Jada Pinkett Smith and I are BFF! I ride a motorcycle, beyotches! I'm young! I'm young, damn it!" posturing, Tom really doesn't know a thing about the kids today, as he couldn't hide his confusion. "What? A historical epic won movie of the year and it was not a retroactive award for my tour de force The Last Samurai? Dynomite? Is this a documentary about Good Times? I...hey, is Ryan Gosling looking at me? He is. Is my hair all right? Do I look fat?"

If you missed the show, do turn in for one of the 9,353,637 rebroadcasts on MTV this weekend.

Shiny Tacky Tidbits

2005-06-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

Brief dispatches from the Land of Tacky:

Til tack do us part
Paris Hilton is getting married. Yes, this Titan of Tacky is marrying boyfriend Paris Latsis. Were we at Shiny Tacky People uncharitable, we might speculate that Ms. Hilton's similarly-named groom may have been selected with coy headlines in mind. As it is, the Shallow Girls congratulate the famously self-absorbed Ms. Hilton on realizing her long-held dream of pledging her love and lifelong commitment to . . . herself.

Shiny Tacky People will provide our readers with all the details of the sure-to-be-tasteless nuptials as we learn them. For the moments, however, we feel confident in speculating that, although the revolution may not be televised, the wedding night probably will be.

Can you handle our tack?
Britney and Kevin's reality show is a bust. Chaotic: Britney and Kevin has proven to be a critical and commercial disaster, garnering execrable reviews and unimpressive ratings for UPN.

We contacted Mr. Federline for his thoughts on this possible career setback:
"Yo yo yo yo! K-Fed up in this mug! Y'all, don't listen to the hataz. Like I told Free Ride, ratings ain't nothin' but a number (jus' like the balance on her credit card statement -- big love to my ladies at Big Jim's House of Nudes!).

Anyway, all these critics, they can't handle our truth, ya heard? They ain't even know what they talkin' about. Like, they say our show is the same shit they've come to "expect from us," whatever the fuck THAT means. We ain't be showin' no everyday boring shit! Sex and drugs and poop jokes, yo. That's some classic television, ya heard? Almost as good as The Parkers, for reals. And anyway, the very first episode showed me in the shower. Like Jamie Lynne says, that ain't no everyday kind of thang.

Heh heh heh heh heh. Jamie Lynne been thinkin' about me in the shower, yo. Awwwwwwww yeah. She can handle my truth any day, knamean? Ladies love the K-Dawg. Man, fuck that -- EVERYONE be lovin' the K-Dawg . . . no matter what those fuckers at Entertangmanagement Weekly say.

Big up to my homies in Fresno!"

Is this tacky I'm eating, or chicken?
Even as Joe Simpson prepares storyboards for tentative reality shows entitled "Counseling: Nick and Jessica" and "Newlywithout: Jessica on her own" [Shiny Tacky People's proposal for a TV movie entitled "Mother, may I sleep with Dumbass?" was returned unopened], Jessica Simpson and husband Nick Lachey report that their marriage is stable and they will remain together, despite rumors of marital discord and infidelity. The nation breathes a collective sigh of disinterest.

Their love is tacky.
As many of you know by now, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been dating for several sincere, meaningful, and very special minutes. Their relationship [punctuation removed at the behest of Shiny Tacky People's Legal Department] has caused a flurry of publicity, including a much-publicized recent appearance on Oprah.

In the aftermath of Cruise's fist-pumping, chair-jumping, PDA-laden Oprah appearance, a baffled nation was left to wonder how a couple comprised of Hollywood's biggest movie star and television's favorite ingenue could have deteriorated into a veritable John Waters movie of repressed homosexuality, inappropriate displays of affection, bizarre religious practices, and sexually transmitted diseases. Now the couple's summer blockbuster publicity tours are grinding into gear, and Ms. Holmes has reportedly pledged her commitment to Cruise and to Scientology, a religion that famously asks applicants "Have you ever given robots a bad name?".

As this public relations Chernobyl unfolds, wreaking havoc on the careers of all it touches, we at Shiny Tacky People believe we speak for many when we implore Joey Potter and the former Jerry McGuire to "Help me mock you. Help me . . . mock you.'

A Message From Tacky Reid

2005-05-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Hi you guys!

So, like, the Shallow Girls have been, like, really busy with work and stuff and they haven't gotten around to telling you all the biggest news ever!

I'm getting my own TV show!

Okay, so it was totally hosted by some random skank with, like, really bad implants but I'm going to make it real classy like, you know? It's gonna be, like, sooo fun traveling all over and meeting people and partying, it's gonna be craaaazy, y'all! It's totally going to be better than that show that my former best friend does, because mine's not on Fox, which isn't even like a real channel, and also I do it by myself SO TAKE THAT PARIS!

Ohmigod! And also, you guys, guess what? I have a new boyfriend! We're like totally going steady, not like me and my last boyfriend and the boyfriend before him and also that guy I blew in the bathroom at Burger King one time. It's like a true connection.

Aren't we like sooooooo cute togheter? He's totally sweet and real funny and real rich, so he always like treats for nights out. Not that I can't afford it or anything because I CAN BECAUSE I AM A MOVIE STAR NOT LIKE THAT STUPID HOTEL GIRL WHO DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB IN HOUSE OF WAX LIKE I DID IN URBAN LEGEND AND SHE ONLY DID IT TO COPY ME BECAUSE SHE'S A LOSER.

Its just like, you know, my bar tabs get real expensive sometimes and it's always good to have a rock star pick up the tab, you know?

Anyways, that's what's going on with me! Check back here for more updates about me, because I'm so way famous, and some other people.

Love ya!

XOXOXO
Tara:)

Tack Is Wack?

2005-04-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

We at Shiny Tacky People love opulence and greed; in fact, we've made a living out of it (if you can call surviving on Diet Coke and cupcakes a living, but this isn't the time to pick nits). But we are the first to admit that in some cases, tackiness can have severe side effects.

What happens when one becomes too rich, too famous, too tacky too soon? Does it kill your mind? Your heart? Your soul?

Well, it obviously doesn't kill your mind, because the truly tacky aren't the cleverest of the clever to start out with. Nor does it kill the heart, as tacky heart chambers are stronger than steel. I don't know what this soul business is, so I'll refrain from answering that one.

No, what excess tack in a short time span kills is...this is so painful...your looks.

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was adorable. Young, cute and full of promise. Fresh faced and funny in Mean Girls. The world was hers, she was poised to take Hollywood by storm.

Things took a turn for the worse when Mean Girls came out in April of last year. All of a sudden, Linday had new friends, a new skin tone, a new rack (allegedly), and a a new skeezer boyfriend.

On their own, these events are troubling, but added together in a short time span? Tragikstan. The combined trauma has begun to manifest itself in a very disturbing way. What is the most painful thing for an eighteen-year-old starlet to go through?

(I mean, besides gonorrhea from Fez and/or Colin Farrell)

This is not for the faint of heart or those of you who fear the ugly:

Lindsay Lohan is now 65 years old.

Her body is rebelling against the excess tack. The meteoric levels are just too much. She has wrinkles, bags under her bloodshot eyes and--do I see liver spots? I wouldn't be surprised.

I've seen toothless hookers on 12th street who look more youthful than Linz and they don't reek of ciggies and brandy the way she does. The girl looks positively ancient, and I don't even mean it in the vintagey retro way. I'm talking fossil. Fossil skank.

I don't know if Lindsay will recover from this; there aren't many precedents of so much tack so soon. But even if we can't save Lindsay from the land of the geezers, it's not too late for you.

We at Shiny Tacky People understand the desire to be shallow. All we really want is to be like Vicki Beckham and Kimora Lee Simmons when we grow up. But we know to take it slowly and we urge you to do the same.

Go out every night and party with skanks. Do lines off of David Beckham in a closet. Tan yourself into a pumpkin. Get implants--just don't go to Tara Reid's doctor. We don't advise you to date a cast member of The 70s Show, but we'll respect you if you really need to. But please-please!-don't do it all at once. Your body won't be able to handle it all at once and will wreak havoc on your looks, trying its hardest to regain some (ugh) decorum. And really, who wants that?

There's always going to be room for another shallow girl/guy to join our way of life and respect the tacky. But you don't need to rush into it. Pace yourself on your way to shallow, don't try to do too much too soon. Grab yourself some anti-aging cream and learn from the sad tale of Lindsay Lohan. Extraordinary tackiness too fast isn't worth the damage it does to your self esteem and skin.

Just remember-True Tack Waits

I'm too tacky

2005-04-14T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week for the Spears-Federlines. First there was the announcement of Kaleyley Lynne Sparkle Spears-Federline's imminent arrival. Now . . . oops, K-Fed is gracing the pages of L'uomo Vogue,

We at Shiny Tacky People contacted Mr. Federline to hear his thoughts on his status as a fashion icon:

"Yo yo yo yo! K-Fed up in this mug! Y'all catch me on the cover of L'Homo Vogue? Awwwww yeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

When they axed me to do it, I be all, "Yo, man, I ain't no homo!" But I guess it's, like Spanish for 'fashionable.' And yo, you KNOW I'm fashionable like a motherfucker. Awwww yeah. Listen to the K-Dawg -- ladies love the cornrows. And rhinestone sunglasses. Like my man Elton John -- you KNOW he get all the fly bitches. Even Lynne thinks I look smokin', y'all -- she always be trying to pour lighter fluid all over me, for serious. Ah hah. Ah hah. Ladies love the K-Dawg, yo.

Mmmmhmmmm. Damn, lookin' at those photos -- I am one fly motherfucker, knowwhaddamean? I ain't even into that gay shit, but lookin at that third picture? I'd hit it. I told Free Ride that that rash ain't even a thang.

Awright, y'all. I'ma go get a beer, drink it in front of Free Ride. Ha ha ha ha! That's fuckin' funny shit right there, y'all. Mmmmm, maybe Jamie Lynn'll come over for a visit later. Awwwww, yeah. I wouldn't mind being against her music, y'amsayin'? I think she be likin' the K-Dawg. When I showed her the pictures she be all, 'When and how did Uncle Fester, Vanilla Ice, and a greyhound have a baby?' You hear that? You hear that?! She be thinkin' about having babies with the K-Dawg. Awwwww, yeah. I still got it.

Rhinestones and cornrows, yo. Listen to your friend the K-Dawg. He knows.

Big ups to my homies in Fresno!"

Must See Tacky-V

2005-04-05T18:39:00.000-07:00

Mallory: Britney and Kevin have a reality show! Britney and Kevin have a reality show!
Negi: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Omigod, my life, she is complete!
Mallory: I almost peed my pants from the excitement
Negi: Oh my god. Oh my god. My mind is TOTALLY blown trying to imagine this quantity of awesomeness.

That's right, everyone. Britney and Kevin are going to be starring in their own six-episode reality show, airing later this year. Of course, we here at Shiny Tacky People will keep you updated as this shiny, tacky story unfolds. For the moment, we can only speculate as to the title of this sure-to-be groundbreaking piece of tacky television history:

Negi: . . . they'll probably go with something boring, like, "Newly Married: Kevin and Britney," or something.
Negi: Me, I'm hoping for "Mother May I Sleep with Poseur: The Britney and Kevin Story" or "Newlymisled: The Federlines' first year."
Mallory: I agree. But you have to remember, they need real small words.
Negi: Oh, true, true. "We Toke Pretty One Day: Britney and Kevin."
Mallory: Much more reasonable.

Stay tuned!

One nation under tacky

2005-03-30T17:08:00.000-08:00

No matter where your political affiliations lie, I think we can all agree that the U.S. government is due for a serious makeover. As part of our continuing efforts to make the world safe for shallow, in 2008 we at Shiny Tacky People will be throwing our support behind the Shiny Tacky Ticket, and we encourage you to do the same:

Kimora Lee Simmons for President: You know why. Because she's Kimora. Because she once stole an entire rack of lamb. Because we're afraid she'll beat our asses if we don't nominate her for the highest office.

George Michael for Vice President: He can be our father figure. All he has to do is take these red states, and make them blue (somehow!). Stubble and anonymous bathroom trysts for everyone!

Donald Trump for Speaker of the House: Who else could possibly bring to the post the notoriety and panache that former Speaker Newt Gingrich did? Only the Donald. He has the tenacity. He has the temerity. He has the toupee.

Diddy for Secretary of Energy: The perfect position for a man who built an entire career on recycling.Please don't disturb The Sexy. . . or the ozone.

Thom Fillica (of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) for Secretary of the Interior: Forget national parks and conservation efforts. Fabulousness begins in the home. Besides, Thom's years of experience in bringing the unsavory, useless dregs of straight male society up to snuff will serve him well in Washington D.C.

Jacob the Jeweler for Secretary of the Treasury: Under his expert guidance, we may yet see the day when all currency is replaced by diamond-encrusted pendants bearing a bejeweled likeness of President Kimora's infamous mug shot. That day can't come soon enough for me.

David Beckham for Head of the Bureau of Public Affairs: Say what you want about connections and education -- for my money there's nothing like a politician with first hand experience.

Janice Dickinson for Secretary of Education: Why not? She's already a member of the PTA.

****************************************************

Ladies and gentleman, I think we can all agree that only one ticket can successfully lead our country into a shinier, tackier future.

In 2008, vote Shiny Tacky.

Do it for yourself.

Do it for your country.

Do it for The Sexy.

Shiny Tacky: In 2008, why not the fabulous?

The Queen Of Tacky

2005-03-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
Kimora, Kimora, Kimora, Kimora.
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
Kimora, Kimora, Kimora, Kimora, Kimora, Kimora,.
Kimora, I've just met a girl named Kimora,
and suddenly the name will never be the same to me.
And suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be.
Kimora, say it loud and there's music playing.
Say it soft and it's almost like praying,
Kimora, I never stop saying: "Kimora!"

What I'm going to propose to you right now may sound drastic, but I fully believe that, once you think about it for a little bit, you'll realize that it's a brilliant plan and it needs to happen, like, now.

I believe that we need Kimora to become President. We need to knock down the Lincoln Memorial and put up the Kimora Memorial. We need to put her on the dollar bill-or all the dollar bills, even-with "I'm A Fly Bitch" emblazoned underneath her picture.

(I nominate George Michael for Vice President, but that part is up for debate)

At any rate, the world is so divided these days over issues like war and torture and economics. What we need is a leader who is willing to set bitches straight and tell them when they're being whack and dress head to toe in Louis Vuitton while doing it.

That person is Kimora Lee Simmons.

"Kimora Lee Simmons? Pshaw!" you say. "She's not fit to be president!"

She's not? Really? I beg to differ. She's described as a former muse to Karl Lagerfeld, the brains behind Baby Phat and an egomaniacal shopaholic. But she's so much more than that.

I dare you to read The NY Post's account of Kimora and her Vanity Fair profile and not believe that she should rule the world.

It's very simple, really. Kimora has all of the qualities that we need in a leader.

Kimora has balls

(This is not a joke about her bizarre neck)

Who else would wear, at a runway show for their fashion line, a shirt with their mugshot printed on it? Marc Jacobs? Diane Von Furstenburg? Hell, no! Only Kimora. And only Kimora would look so glam while stoned and jailed.

Kimora means what she says

She always means what she says. And she has no patience for trifling bitches. Do you think Kimora would waste her time making allies with Poland? Or letting those bitches in France or Germany walk all over her? No, no she would not. Kimora stands up for herself.

"Let me take off my glasses," she says, removing her large frames. "I want you to see my eyes. I will beat a bitch's ass!'"

Recognize!

Kimora stands up against patriarchy

You'd think that a trophy wife would be okay with putting her husband first and focusing on him, and deferring to his wisdom. Not Kimora!

"She doesn't need Daddy to buy her a boat—Mommy can buy her one," Kimora says, frowning.

"My husband don't buy me diamonds. I buy my own diamonds!" Kimora says.

She don't need no man! She is an independent woman! Throw your hands up at her!

Kimora is a philosopher queen

Kimora understands things on a fundamental level that the rest of us just don't. I believe that a leader needs to know more than we do, whether in terms of book smarts or some sort of nebulous knowledge that can't be described.

"Fabulosity," she said. "It's a state of being."

Move over, Locke. Shut yo' mouth, Kant! If there is any higher power, we will be studying Kimora Lee Simmons in philosophy classes for centuries to come.

Kimora is the world's greatest mother

I hear these stories about Laura Bush and her excellent mothering skills and family values, and I'm just like, "What?" Like Laura has anywhere near the values that Kimora does.

Kimora worries about the effect her wealth might have on her kids. "Our Christmas tree was like the tree from Rockefeller Center," she told me. "It was a $30,000 tree." She said she saw Aoki looking up at it, and she thought, "What kind of a life am I setting up for her? … It's just about making them, like, not be assholes, which is what I think any parent would do."

She doesn't want her kids to be assholes! That's the sweetest, most motherly thing I've ever heard. Excuse me, I have something in my eye...

Kimora knows what she likes

And what Kimora likes is Louis Vuitton. John Kerry is a famous flip-flopper. Kimora? Is not. She stands true to her convictions. She owns the largest LV collection in North America, which means that she picks something and stays with it. She has principles, y'all.

Kimora believes in equality

Some people say that it's not nice to pick on minorities, or those who are otherwise differently abled. Kimora realizes that, no matter what, we're all equal. As the New York Post notes,

The statuesque former model also threatened to beat up an eight-month pregnant assistant, prompting weary producers to send the woman home to avert trouble.

We're all the same in the eyes of Kimora. All in danger of getting the dreaded beatdown

Kimora takes time off with good reason

Unlike a certain president, Kimora's absences from work are all excusable, such as her extended mourning period for her cat. What? That cat INSPIRED the Baby Phat line and is emblazoned on the ass of every shirt, jacket and pair of pants that Baby Phat produces, sometimes even BEDAZZLED. That is true love and I personally believe her mourning period shouldn't have ended yet.

Kimora is entertaining

As the Post reported,

She stole props such as lamps and once made off with an entire rack of lamb from the lunch buffet table

An entire rack of lamb. An entire rack of lamb. If that's not the greatest thing ever, I defy you to tell me what is. Imagine how entertaining her weekly radio addresses would be, or estimate how many US heirlooms would go missing during her tenure.

Kimora knows how to intimidate and irritate others

Kimora knows how to show people who's boss and they are powerless against her.

she supposedly had donuts delivered to the set, then licked each and every one so nobody else could eat them.

If this isn't the key way to remain a world power, I don't know what is.
***

We need to revolt against the government. A full-on rebellion, throwing generic brand foods and knockoff couture in the streets. Scream much like Al Pacino's "Attica! Attica!" in A Dog Day Afternoon as we march to Washington and demand that George W. Bush resign immediately and give Kimora Lee Simmons his position. Kimora must be in charge.

KIMORA! KIMORA! KIMORA!

Look who's tacky

2005-03-28T23:57:00.000-08:00

We here at Shiny Tacky People apologize for the delay in updating. We were temporarily shocked snarkless by rumors that Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline are expecting a baby.

In order to keep you abreast of this breaking story, Shiny Tacky People attempted to contact the Federlines. Although Ms. Spears could not be reached, Mr. Federline was happy to respond to our inquires: 'Yo yo yo! K-Fo and his super swimmers up in this bitch! Ha! 'Up in this bitch!' You see what I there, dawg? Gawd, I'm fucking funny. What what!'

Really, what more is there to say? Other than 'Pray for little Kayleyley Lynne Sparkle Spears-Federline, wherever she may be.'

Jailhouse Tack

2005-03-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's a sad, sad day in the world of celebrities, as one of our very favorites, Lil' Kim, is headed to jail for perjury and conspiracy.

(And really, when one looks at her plastic surgery and weave, aren't perjury and conspiracy the least of her crimes?)

We at Shiny Tacky People just want to say that we are devastated with this grave miscarriage of justice. What are the people who look up to Kim supposed to do? Because lots of people look up to Kim. Like hookers! And also, munchkins. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE MUNCHKINS?

This will have devastating effects on the diamond and fur industries, not to mention Louis Vuitton sales. Kimora Lee Simmons is going to have to go into LV overdrive to pick up Kim's slack and I have a feeling that luxury fur stores are going to have a hard time selling their mink and chincilla coats, and not just on account of spring coming.

And think of her poor plastic surgeon! The poor thing is going to be out of work for so long. He was counting on K.I.M.'s weekly (daily?) appointments to help put his daughter through college and now the poor girl is going to have to settle for VASSAR. VASSAR!

Lastly, think of Kim herself, alone in a jail cell, with an unflattering, restrictive orange jumpsuit, no one to help maintain her weave and no access to face bleach. What kind of a life is that?

If any of the jurors from the case are reading this--shame on you. Shame on you. Sure, she broke a couple of laws, but who among us hasn't? And yes, she's paid exorbitant sums of money to morph her face into that of Emmanuel Lewis, but can you blame her? He was just so darling on Webster. And fine, The Notorious KIM sucked hard, but I'd like to see you all put an album like that out. YOU CAN'T DO IT!

We have no faith in the legal system after this travesty. Join us as we pour some bourbon on the floor in honor of our fallen comrade and say

FREE LIL KIM!

Dear Britney

2005-03-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

Ooops, we did it again. We at Shiny Tacky People are honored to have Britney Spears here to answer questions submitted to "A Tacky Advice Column."

I want to know what Britney thinks about fashion and what makeup to buy.

Omigod, y'all, this is, like, SUCH a good question. I mean, who knows more about fashion than me? Why are you laughing?

Anyway. OK. Like I mean first, there's like, your funny clothes. Like my pot leaf sweater. Or my 'I'm a virgin (this is an old shirt)' shirt. That just never stops being funny, you know? 'Cause like, when you laugh, the world laughs with you. Or something. It seems like a lot of people are laughing, so it must be working.

Then there's sex clothes. My Kevvy is soooooooo sexy that even his clothing is about sex! Like that 'Rock out with your cock out' hat! Mmmmm. He's like, so sexy when he wears that that, like, no other girl will even come near him, 'cause they're all, you know, intimidated by how sexy and, like, magnetic he is. You know?

What else . . . oh! Shorts. You can never have enough shorts. Or actually, you totally can. Like me, I just have the one pair. You've seen 'em, right? With the pockets? And stuff? I've had them so long they've turned into a skirt, y'all! They dissapear every month or so, but I always find them. . . I can never figure out how they end up in the garbage, the incinerator, or the dog's bed. Maybe they're magic shorts! That's probably it. Anyway. I don't know why my manager says they're 'symptomatic of the general problem' (whatever the fuck THAT means). They're so sexy! Everyone agrees - just the other day this guy at the 7-11 was all, 'Those are totally STD shorts.' And, like, STDs have to do with sex, right? I asked Kevvy, but he was no help, he was all 'WHATHAVEYOUHEARDITWASN'TMEIDIDN'TKNOWSHEWASWORKING!' He's been so weird and itchy since he got back from Vegas.

Finally, formal wear. I think when you're going out it's always good to, like, accessorize. That means 'match with your partner,' for you non-fashionistas out there. When I was with THAT ASSHOLE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WHO'S NOT MARRIED LIKE I AM TO MY HUSBAND KEVIN WHO MAKES ME VERY HAPPY HOW HAPPY ARE YOU WITH THAT PIZZA-FACED CRACKHEAD JUSTIN ARE YOU HAPPY ARE YOU HAPPY 'CAUSE I'M REALLY HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY . . . um. Anyway, we used to dress up to match. Like, I had this way cute denim prom dress and JUSTIN THAT ASSHOLE I HATE YOU SO MUCH COME BACK TO ME BABY I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY . . . anyway. He had this tuxedo. That matched. We looked soooo awesome. We even made it to VH1's 'Awesomely Bad Fashion Countdown.' Kevvy says 'bad' is another word for good. They're simianyms.

Anyway. It's like, classy to dress like your date. Victoria Beckham says so. So when MY HUSBAND KEVIN WHO MAKES ME VERY HAPPY and I go out, we try to match. Like, at the Billboard Music Awards, he wore white and I wore black. It was a total metaphor for like, our love. I tried to explain it to Jamie Lynn, but she was all, 'Oh, I thought the theme was 'sag'. I mean, his pants, your boobs . . .' Jamie Lynn is such a kidder, y'all.

As for makeup, I don't really know. When I'm on shoots and stuff, the stylists do my face, and I just kind of leave it on the rest of the time. I mean, like I said to the stylist at the last photo shoot, it's not that deep. She was all, 'Actually, it is - I'm gonna need a biohazard suit and an archeologist to get through all this foundation.' I thought she made up those words, but then I remembered that Mom once called Kevvy a biohazard. Kevvy doesn't do my makeup! Silly makeup lady. People shouldn't use words when they don't know what they mean. It's, like, common senility, you know?

Anyway. That's what I think about makeup and clothes and stuff. Oh my god, y'all! I should TOTALLY write a book. I told Jamie Lynn, and she was all, 'I guess if Jessica Simpson can, anyone can.' When I told her it was gonna be about fashion and beauty, she started crying. Kevvy says they must be tears of joy. Jamie Lynn's so sweet, y'all.

Anyway, if y'all have any other questions about, like, music or guys or HOW HAPPY MY HUSBAND KEVIN MAKES ME, SO SUCK IT, JUSTIN just hit me baby, one more time. Ha ha! Omigod, y'all, I'm such a dork!

Oh! Kevvy has some fashion advice for you guys out there:

Yo yo yo! K-Fo up in this mug! If you wants to look fine for all the fly honies (and I know you do), I'ma just tell you two words: Kriss. Kross. Those mothafuckas could DRESS, you know what I'm sayin? Yeah yeah . . .you pull your pants down so your lady can see a little cheek ('cause you KNOW she loves that), you take the laces out yo' high tops, you put on your b-boy cap and get ready to rock out with yo' cock out.

Fuck those Gillete motherfuckas: the ladies love the stubble - like my man George Michael, you KNOW he get all the fly honies. Plus, bitches like it when you be a little dirty, you know what I'm sayin'? Like me, I ain't had a bath in 3, maybe 4 months. And the other night, Nicky Hilton is all, 'Who invited that dirty guy, and when is he leaving?' You see?! She all wantin' to know my biznass, wantin' to get with the K-Dog! I was all, 'Whenever you are, baby.' Ladies like bruises, too. Makes you look sexy and mysisterious. That's good, 'cause that bitch Nicky got a right hook like a motherfucka.

Anyway. Remember: Kriss Kross and George Michael. That's a fuckin' unbeatable combination, right there. Like weed and Cheetos. When she see you, she'll be all 'DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN' . . . Kriss Kross'll make you jump, jump, is what I'm sayin'. And then you all getting your sexxx on, you gettin' your marriage on, you getting your meal ticket on . . . uh . . . I mean . . . yo dog, you KNOW what I mean. What what!

Big ups to my homies in Fresno! Nicky, call me!

Dear Tara....

2005-03-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

Hey, guys, it's me, Tara Reid! I've been soooooo busy with work lately, doing stuff like...uh...well, I've been sooooo busy, but when I was asked to answer your guys's questions about real important things, I was like, "Totally!" Because I have a lot of real smart things to tell people, I'm, like, way smarter than people think.

Amy asked:

I would love for Tara Reid to give me some advice about how to dress in a sexy yet tasteful manner

Amy, this is such a good question and I'm so glad you asked me. In Hollywood--the business, as us celebs call it--you get all sorts of Debbies dressing real trashy, like they're, like, hookers or whatever, and it's just sad, because us Hollywood girls know how to be sexy and classy.

The first thing you have to do is buy a way expensive purse, like my Louis. Purses are real important because they're where you carry your money, and the more money you spend on your purse, the more money you have in it, right? And you're purse may cost a lot of money, like $10,000 which is, like, your whole paycheck or whatever...not that my paycheck is only $10,000 because, whatever, I'm, like, a REAL star, and I make way more, I'm just saying that, like, some poor people might be reading this or whatevs. But it's so worth it to spend all of it on a hott purse, because it makes you fit in with totally classy people like Kimora Lee Simmons and Jessica Simpson.

The next thing you have to do is buy a lot of eye kohl. There is nothing classier than wearing a lot of black eyeliner, it's totally pretty because black is the classiest color. And some people might say that you have raccoon eyes, but whatever, they don't understand, because DUH, my eyes are blue! Raccoons don't have blue eyes. Also, if you don't have blue eyes, you should probably get colored contacts because blue eyes are the hottest and you're totally not hott if you don't have blue eyes which is why some people like girls that I used to be totally BFF with who own hotels got contacts instead of her lame brown eyes, but you didn't hear that from me.

Next, you need to get a fur coat. The bigger, the better! Fur coats have been way classic, since, like, the 70s and everybody who's anybody wears them because they're totally retro glam. I got my coat in white, because so many people have, link, mink or whatever and I wanted to be different ~~and I also got it on sale at Wilson's Leather~~. And you can wear it all the time, like day or night or sometimes even just around your house while you're waiting for people to call you, like, just in case you need to rush and hang out with them right away. Also, wearing fur makes those Debbies at PETA real mad and they may want to throw pies or whatever at you, and that gets you in the papers!

Anything you can do to draw attention to your boobs is a good idea. I mean, everybody likes boobs, right? And I know that if you spend so much money getting them, you should show them off! That night was soooo fun, I was soooo buzzed, I did, like, six lines in the car on the way over and I also drank a bottle of Strawberry Hill--right out of the bottle, y'all! I'm a champ! That was the night I got so way famous because my boob like, popped out, it was awesome! I was in, like, all of the internet websites the next day. Clingy gowns that don't really fit right in the chest are also a real good way to be sexy, especially when you mix them with jewelry that you got at Claire's!

It's really hott when girls wear real low pants. But not too low! You don't want your vagina to totally be showing, that's not classy. Only a little of it should be showing if you want to be tasteful.

The less clothes, the better. This doesn't mean be totally naked, cause that's not tasteful. But really skimpy clothes are sexy and if you don't show your nipples, it's still real tasteful.

Amy, I hope that helped you. Good luck finding totally sexy clothes and remember the three Bs of fashion--Bags, Boobs and Be Like Your BFF, because sometimes it's a good idea to do what people do first so that they'll hang out with you and stuff.

Love ya!

Steph asked:

And can Tara Reid give me some drink recipes?

Oh, totally! I know so many drink recipes, I'm like totally a pro at this, so I'll give you two of my favorites.

The Axe Murderer

1 part Rum
1 part Gin
1 part Tequila
1 part Triple sec
1 part Vodka
1 part Southern Comfort
1 part Amaretto
Grenadine
Pineapple juice
Splash of 7-Up

What you do then is mix ingredients together over ice in a glass. Pour into a shaker and give one fast shake. Pour back into glass and make sure there is a touch of fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon. It's way good!

Zimamazing
2 oz Vodka
2 oz Gin
2 oz Rum
2 oz Tequila
4 oz Triple sec
4 oz Sour mix
1 bottle Zima

What you do is shake the first six ingredients (that's as many as a whole hand, plus one) without ice until frothy. Fill glass with ice and pour Zima and everything in the shaker in a one-to-one ratio. Stir and serve!

The Tara

(I made this one up, you guys!)

2 cups Gin
2 cups Vodka
2 cups Tequila
2 cups Rum
2 cups Spiced Rum
2 cups flavored Vodka
2 cups Cointreau
2 cups Southern Comfort
2 cups Peach Schnapps
2 cups Wild Turkey
8 cans Beer (any kind)

To make this, you mix all of the ingredients together in the biggest bowl you have. Add ice, get a straw and sip until it's gone! You get sooooooo wrecked!

Thanks for writing, Steph! Love ya!

This was, like, so much fun! Maybe I should write a book or something!

A Tacky Advice Column

2005-03-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that we at Shiny Tacky People have been quiet lately. Not by choice, mind you, it's just that Negi is off dealing with the aftermath of her sidekick being hacked into and as for me? I've been told to take a rest and get my raging coke habit under control before I go back to making fun of people.

However, our friends promised to help us out and told us that they want to start an advice column of sorts. So if you have any questions for Britney Spears, Tara Reid, Kimora Lee Simmons, Jennifer Lopez, or the Beckhams, leave us a comment or drop us an email and we'll make sure they get to it. They promised to answer all of your in-depth questions this week, so keep a look out!

Crouching Tacky, Hidden Desperation

2005-02-25T16:33:00.000-08:00

Good heavens. Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, and David Beckham are starring in a martial arts-themed Pepsi commercial together. We in the trade call situations like this "the jackpot."

We here at Shiny Tacky People can only imagine the chaos that resulted on set when these three Titans of Tacky came together . . .

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y, Director, Advertising Department, Pepsi-Cola Corporation.
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

I am writing to express my honor at being selected to direct the Pepsi commercial featuring Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, and David Beckham. I am sure this will be an exciting advertising opportunity for the Pepsi.

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

We have gone over budget: Ms. Knowles' hair required more stylists than we had on hand. Moreover, Ms. Knowles herself required an interpreter - she is quite incapable of communicating without relying on Destiny's Child lyrics. After she responded to the craft service assistant's queries with 'I don't think you're ready for this jelly' for the third time, the crew quite forcefully requested that she either hire an interpreter or, in the words of one crew member, 'lose her breath.'

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

Shooting was delayed for several days when Ms. Lopez stormed off set after being informed that there was no room in the storyline for her husband, Mr. Anthony. Despite my efforts to convince her that salsa singers have no place in a martial arts story, she left the set. She agreed to return only on the condition that we provide her a variety of gifts - including, curiously, a copy of Daredevil and a sledgehammer. Mr. Anthony, who remained on set throughout the duration of the shooting, did not seem perturbed by his lack of involvement: we've had to bring in a doctor on a number of occasions to ensure that Mr. Anthony is not, in fact, dead.

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

In a previous memo you inquired about my decision to hire bodyguards. I assure you that the services of these guards are absolutely essential to the success of the shoot. Ms. Knowles, for example, requires constant monitoring to protect her from her mother's attempts to bedazzle and shorten her costume. Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Knowles cannot be removed from the set, although I have consulted the legal department.

Moreover, Mr. Beckham also requires guarding, to ensure both his own safety and that of those around him. Despite his great facility on the soccer field, Mr. Beckham has proven quite accident-prone on the set - last week he nearly fell out of a trailer, and just yesterday he was found with a sock in his mouth and a wastepaper basket over his head. Although we initially attributed the mishap to Mr. Beckham's gracelessness, we now suspect that someone in the crew was responsible: many of the crew have expressed their dismay at having to hear Mr. Beckham's distinctive voice day in and day out. We are, of course, seeking out the miscreants responsible, and when we find them they will be punished. Fortunately for all concerned, Mr. Beckham was quite good-natured once he figured out how to get trashcan off his head - although it did take some effort to convince him that his hair would, in fact, recover.

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

In response to your previous memo: I do apologize for the presence of the police on set, but their services were required. As you may have heard, Ms. Lopez and Ms. Knowles nearly came to blows yesterday. As I understand the situation, Ms. Lopez, protesting the number of hairdressers required by Ms. Knowles, made a reference to horses' tails and Diana Ross. It was fortunate for all concerned that the weapons to be used during the shoot had not yet arrived. As it was, Ms. Knowles was dragged to her trailer howling 'My body's too bootylicious for you, lady,' while Ms. Lopez shrieked, 'If you had my brush and a stylist you could trust that would still be a cheap weave!'

Meanwhile, at the first sound of female screaming, Mr. Beckham went into a fugue state in the corner and was found murmuring, 'I'm sorry Vicky . . . it won't happen again, Vicky . . . she was lying, Vicky . . . whatever you want, Vicky . . . Spice World was underrated, Vicky . . . Yes, Gerri looks fat these days Vicky . . . please Vicky, please don't touch my hair! I'll be good! I'll be good!' Fortunately, one of the prop girls managed to draw him out by setting out a variety of hair care products. Regardless, we lost a full day of shooting in the fracas.

From: Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

We've finally identified a somewhat unorthodox way of saving money: we have lost more than 50% of the crew over the course of the shoot. The majority of our female staff has left us, in large part due to Mr. Beckham's friendly nature. The legal department has hired a sexual harassment expert in preparation. We have also lost the stunt coordinator, who suggested loudly and irritably that the entire production be renamed Crouching Tacky, Hidden Desperation. It was for the best.

Of course, I'm not completely sure that the loss of our crew will be completely cost-effective -- the craft services bill for alcohol has risen exponentially in the past weeks. Coupled with the police, the bodyguards, the hair care products, and the gift baskets . . . well, in the words of the accounting department, 'Her love may not cost a thing, but these bills, bills, bills are nothing to sneeze at.' I've spoken with the head of Accounting about changing the department's policy about listening to music during the workday.

From: Mrs. Z, assistant to Mr. X
To: Ms. Y
Re: Pepsi Advertisement

I must ask that all future correspondence with Mr. X be addressed to me. Mr. X has embarked on an impromptu journey to Tibet with his new friends, the Hare Krishna. His final words before boarding the plane were 'I quit. I have looked into the mouth of hell. It has capped teeth.'

A Tacky Hacking Story

2005-02-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

You may have heard the groundbreaking news that Paris Hilton's Sidekick was hacked into, splashing the phone numbers and email addresses of many celebs and "celebs" all over the internet.

Some of her contacts include Christina Aguilera, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Eminem, Vin Diesel, Luke Wilson, Victoria Gotti, Ashlee Simpson, Ken Baker from US Weekly, Pat O'Brien of Access Hollywood , Ashley Olsen and Anna Kournikova.

The FBI is investigating the hacking into the T-Mobile system, but we're not so interested in all of that legal business. What we want to know is how the celebrities reacted to the news...

Lindsay Lohan

Paris: Hello?
Lindsay Lohan: Paris! What the fuck?
Paris: Um...
LL: I can't believe my fucking phone number and email address is out there for all of the internet to see! Now all sorts of creepy internet pervs are going to be calling me and emailing me and shit. GOD.
Paris: So...what's the problem?
LL: I DON'T WANT FUCKING LOSER PERVS CALLING ME!
Paris: You dated Fez! He's, like, a loser perv.
LL: I know that, but he didn't live in his mom's basement! GOD!

Bijou Philips

Bijou Philips: Hello?
Paris: Hey.
BP: Hey.
Paris: Are you mad at me?
BP: No, why?
Paris: Because someone put all of my friends phone numbers on the internets.
BP: So?
Paris: You really aren't mad? Because your phone number was on there.
BP: I have a phone? HAHAHA! Wait, hold on, I need to go puke.
Paris: Whatevs...hey, Bijou? Bi? You still there? Eh, I guess you passed out. Call me later. Peace.

Luke Wilson

Paris: Hey, Luke, this is Paris. You know, Paris Hilton, the heiress? I met you the other night? I just wanted to say hey and apologize for your phone number being posted online and stuff, I didn't mean for that to happen! I just wanted to say sorry and sorry for eavesdropping and writing your number down when you gave it to that other girl. I hope you're not mad! Call me! Bye!

Kimberly Stewart

Paris: Hello?
Kimberly: PARIS! Ohmigod, my phone number is ALL over the internet!
Paris: Yeah, about that...
Kimberly: Thank you so much! That's so awesome, people are going to be calling me! Like, maybe even model scouts will call me! Ohmigod! How much do I owe you for leaking that?
Paris: Um...$1,000?
Kimberly: I'll write you a check. Eeee!
Paris: That's hott.

Ken Baker

Paris: Hello?
Ken: Paris, it's Ken.
Paris: Like the doll?
Ken: From US
Paris: Oh, Kenny! Hey! How's it going!
Ken: I can't believe this, Paris. I cannot believe that you leaked your phone contacts and didn't give me the exclusive scoop.
Paris: But-
Ken: I am so hurt and offended by this, Paris. I thought we had a good camaraderie. I'm going to have to stop covering you, Paris.
Paris: NO! Hey, we do! We do, we do have a good...camoflaugey. Hey, hey, listen, what if I tell you a celebrity secret? Will you still be mad?
Ken: Well...what's the secret?
Paris: Jess tried to bone JT.
Ken: Jess who? Jessica Simpson? Who's JT, Justin Timberlake?
Paris: I don't know. I guess.
Ken: I think we can make this work...thanks Paris!
Paris: Love ya, Ken!

Tara Reid

Paris: Hello?
Tara: Hey, Paris! It's me, Tara!
Paris: Who?
Tara: Ohmigod, Tara! Your old BFF?
Paris: ...
Tara: Ohmigod, Paris, stop joking! It's me, Tara. Your drinking partner? We used to get sooooooo buzzed together? And you talked me into getting implants from that doctor you know?
Paris: Doctor?
Tara: Yeah, you know, Dr. Roy? The guy who had his office in the basement of that building?
Paris: Oh, right. Um, why are you calling me?
Tara: Because I heard all about this hacker stuff and I found out that my number and email address weren't even in your phone! What happened, did you lose them, like that time I lent you that Gucci dress and you lost it in the bathroom at Bungalow 8? Or did you just delete them? Anyway, wait, do you have a pen or something? Okay, because my email address is princesstarababi@yahoo.com, okay? And my phone number is-Paris? Hey, Paris? Hellooooo? Are you still there? Paris? Paaaaaris? Hey, I guess you got another call. But call me later, okay, and we can go shopping. Love ya! Bye!

A tacky dog story

2005-02-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. Will Paris Hilton never have any peace? Britney Spears is reportedly unhappy that Paris' chihuahua, Tinkerbell, is more famous than Spears' own dogs. We here at Shiny Tacky People will, of course, keep you abreast of new developments in this Tacky Tiff.

In the meantime, we can't help but speculate on the inner life of these canine members of the Tacky Hall of Fame:

Tinkerbell: Portrait of an Accessory
Day 1:
Oooooooooooh. My head. Followed the sister into the bathroom last night at the noisy crowded place. While the sister was shouting into the big white porcelain water bowl, I took a quick sip from her bag. Should have known better than to drink from the sister's purse. Groooooooooooan.

Day 2:
Where is the Mom? Last time I saw her she was hopping up and down on the table and howling. Perhaps she needed to go to the bathroom?

Day 3:
Shopping with the Mom. I love the Mom. She buys me so many collars. At least I think they're collars. She insists on wearing them herself, but they must be collars . . . right?

Day 4:
Opening. Photographers. Saw that wretched Britney Spears and her mongrels. Sniff. The little one is both fat and silly. Steady diet of Cheetos most unhealthy. Perhaps orange food coloring affects mental function. That would certainly explain the presence of the Britney Man. Come to think of it, he and the mongrel look quite similar. Never let it be said that the Britney doesn't have a type.

I'm such a bitch. Hee! 'Bitch.' I slay me.

Day 5:
Never been so insulted in my life. The Mom says she's 'Totally embarrassed.' How was I to know, I'd like to ask? Apparently, I tried to, ahem, answer the call of nature on the forehead of the Bijou person. How was I to know, I ask you? She was lying on the floor! It looked like a large tile!

Day 6:
The Lindsay person came over. 'That's retarded . . . blah blah . . . Wilmer . . . blah blah . . . Hilary Duff . . . blah blah . . . retarded . . . blah blah . . . singing career will NOT parallel Tyra Bank's . . . blah blah . . . . . blah blah . . . what's a 'cautionary tale' . . . blah blah . . . retarded . . .'

I've got such a headache. Now I'm SURE orange food coloring causes brain damage.

Day 7:
The Mom is sleeping again. Eating and sleeping and posing and shopping and shouting into the porcelain water dish day in and day out. How can the poor, dumb creature bear this mindless routine, day after day? And the accidents, my god, the accidents. I can't imagine all Moms are this hard to train.

Oh, I can't stay mad at her. When she cocks her head to one side and looks at me with those guileless, empty eyes . . . well, my heart just melts.

Tacky For The Prosecution

2005-02-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have heard that Michael Jackson is going to trial for child molestation. If you haven't...get out from under your rocks, people, the real world isn't so bad!

The trial is shaping up to be the most spectacularly entertaining event of the new millenium, complete with a list of tacky potential witnesses who made us squeal with glee.

Mallory: I am SO looking forward to this trial
Negi: Eee! Me too!
Mallory: I want Culkins, I want Coreys, I want Bubbles
Negi: I hope they show it on E.
Mallory: "Bubbles, where did the bad man touch you?"
Negi: "Show us on the doll." They give him a GI Joe, and he doesn't know. Ultimately, they have to give him a half-melted Barbie doll before he can make the connection to CMJ and provide useful testimony.
Negi: Liz Taylor! Macauley Culkin! Bring Lisa Marie Presley along for flavor! David Gest! Liza Minelli (preferably on the same day)! Paul McCartney! Eddie Murphy!
Mallory: A whole week would just be the Culkins testifying
Negi: In part because it would take so damn long to sort one out from the other: "Bailiff, please bring out the small one. No, the other one. No, the other one."
Mallory: They'd try to get Lisa Marie, but she still has PTSD from that "You are not alone" video they did together
Negi: Yeah, Lisa Marie is useless. She goes into a fugue state and can only respond in Elvis lyrics.
Negi: "When did your relationship with the defendent begin to change?" "WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER! WITH SUSPICIOUS MINDS! (SUSPICIOUS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDS!)"
Negi: "What was your response when he voiced his desire to be "den mother" to Boy Scout Troop 18?" "YOU AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG!"
Mallory: Janet distracts the jury with a "Free Michael" nipple shield
Negi: Johnny Cochrin's the defense attorney: "Did you see the tit? You must aquit!"
Mallory: Jermaine Dupri is the best character witness the defense can find and he starts out all of his setences with "what what" and ends with "holla"
Negi: "Welcome to Neverland where the childrens play . . . they sleep with a grown man, but that's okay! Holla, y'all!"
Mallory: CourtTV can't air that, it would be too cruel to unleash his fug on the viewers. One of the jurors has to be dismissed for weeping during his testimony and tells reporters on the way out, "But...but he looks like a garden gnome. That face will haunt my dreams"
Negi: Yes! And the lawyer's all, "Mr. Dupri, would you tell the court -- DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT ME! -- would you tell the court about your first interaction with the Jackson family?"
Negi: The court sketch artist goes blind after the first day of testimony.
Mallory: and that's not even taking into account when Michael takes the stand
Mallory: (after first being mistaken for LaToya)
Negi: Snerk. When he starts talking, dogs three counties away become restless.
Negi: Finally Corey Haim's interpreter agrees to mediate, so as to spare the rest of the courtroom from auditory damage.
Negi: "The kid is not my son" is his primary defense. And also "You've been hit by . . . the smooth criminal."
Mallory: The prosecution's opening statement uses the fact that Michael chose Webster over Brooke Shields as proof of his sickness
Negi: Webster has to stand on a dictionary to be visble in the witness box.
Mallory: The defense makes a fatal error by attempting to get Webster to ask "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?" Webster freaks and is nearly held in contempt of court
Negi: Heh. He's finally carried out of court by the bailiff, in a football hold. MJ looks on nostalgically.
Mallory: Bubbles sits next to the remains of the elephant man and becomes fast friends with Corey's interpreter, bonding with each other in sign language
Negi: Heh. Liza and Liz, meanwhile, get into a fight over which one of them is ACTUALLY Liza Minelli. David Guest plans to sue them both for mental stress and skips his testimony to get some rehabilitative Botox.
Mallory: At one point, he also accuses Bubbles of attacking him and rupturing his spleen. Bubbles spends the night in jail before the DA apologizes and dismisses the case
Mallory: An entire month is spent on the testimony of Michael's plastic surgeons
Negi: I was about to say -- first they have to track them down. From the far flung reaches of hell.
Negi: That takes a while.
Negi: Several break down on the stand.
Negi: One is carried out, screaming madly "All bleach and no melanin make Mikey a dull gray! All bleach and no melanin make Mikey a dull gray!"
Negi: Macauley Culkin is held in contempt of court when he refuses to make the Home Alone face on the stand.
Mallory: Blanket takes the stand and has to recount the dangling experience. He also says he's not allowed in the master bath because that's where the chemicals are
Negi: While Blanket is on the stand, MJ loses it, screaming, "WHO'S BAD?! WHO'S BAD?!?"
Mallory: Blanket becomes hysterical, wiping his tears on his mask before losing the ability to speak
Negi: As he's helped off the stand, Lisa Marie croons "you are not aloooooooooooooone." From the corner. Where she's curled up in the fetal position, rocking.
Mallory: LaToya uses her time on the stand to look for a record deal and tries to show off her singing ability. Blanket freaks out even more at the sound and winds up hospitalized
Negi: One day she comes to court nude, a decision which causes the court to recess and fills the local hospital for several days.
Negi: The mad plastic surgeon returns from his "treatment" prepared to testify, but is forcibly removed once again when he breaks down sobbing, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror . . . I'm asking him to change his faaaaaaaaace!"
Mallory: The bailiffs are sympathetic when they drag him out, patting him on the head saying, "There, there"
Negi: A collection goes up among the jurors to pay for his medical bills.
Negi: Paul McCartney flies into an apoplectic rage on the stand and must be sedated with several choruses of "Hey Jude."
Mallory: Debbie Rowe has to reveal that she was paid to testify, like she had been paid for everything, ever. But since Michael is broke, the truth comes out that he's been giving people Monopoly money from his game room
Negi: And homemade coupons for rides on the Ferris Wheel at Neverland.
Mallory: Geraldo is embarrassed because it proves that he's illiterate
Negi: Geraldo then decides to do a special investigative piece on "Illiteracy Among the Overprivilaged: Live!" He crashes an elite country club, determined to find illiterate elite. He is humiliated when he can't find any, and his newest "LIVE!" story is a bust. To console himself, he divorces his current wife and marries JoJo.
Mallory: JoJo's album of lovesongs goes platinum, but she, like Ashlee, has an SNL humiliation when she needs to turn it down because it's past curfew
Negi: Geraldo wages war on the insidious forces at work in the underbelly of SNL. No one cares.
Negi: Meanwhile, on the stand, Liz Taylor proves largely unhelpful when she forgets where she is and begins reciting the Golden Globe nominees from 2001.
Mallory: Juror #6 is dismissed for his giggle fit when she says "Gladiator" and mistakes him for Ridley Scott
Negi: Don't cry for Juror 6, however -- Liz, determined to make an even number of marriages before she dies, proposes on the courthouse steps.
Mallory: he figures at the very least he can auction off her jewelry and get a lifetime stock in White Diamonds
Negi: A tell-all, tentatively titled, "Liz and Me and Xanax makes Three" is in the works.
Mallory: When Diana Ross testifies, the bailiffs have to help carry in her weave
Negi: She has to be forcibly restrained from fondling Janet's nipple shield. Every time she sees the bailiff, she mistakes him for a cop and shouts "STOP! In the name of love!" And then slurs, "Wash I shpeeding, offisher?"
Mallory: Liza tries to sing showtunes while on the stand, but she hurts her hip and needs to be hospitalized
Negi: David Gest alleges that her singing caused him further mental anguish, increases the size of his suit, and has facelift as part of recuperation. His testimony in the case is discredited when he uses his time on the stand to show his scars and puncture wounds, shouting "SEE?! SEE?!" all the while.
Mallory: The judge turns to alcohol
Negi: He insists that Diana Ross appear every day, even after her testimony has finished, because she always has alcohol on her.
Mallory: he gets drunk just by sitting next to her
Negi: One day, Macauley Culkin lights up a joint in the courtroom. The judge stops the trial and invites him to his private quarters to share it. As they leave, MJ's lip trembles and his eyes fill nostalgically.
Negi: He shouts "This is DISCRIMINATION! This is RACISM! Macauley, CALL ME!" as he attempts to write "Slave" on his forehead in whiteout. Stops when he realizes no one can see the writing.
Mallory: His legal team has to ask him to stop bringing in Peter Pan coloring books to entertain him during the trial
Negi: But they don't need to bother -- he now spends his time attempting to paint himself over with white-out. He is frequently heard muttering, "Could've saved millions . . . MILLIONS!!"
Mallory: The judge just stares at him in horror. Yet enjoys the contact high he gets
Negi: Johnny Cochran, meanwhile, has nearly abandoned his defense of CMJ and is preparing notes for his next case: David Gest vs. Liza Minelli II: The Sickening.
Negi: He spends his time in court muttering, "Cabaret was a hit, but don't aquit . . . no! Hmm . . . his face looks like shit . . . so don't aquit? No! Hmm . . ."
Negi: David Gest and MJ, meanwhile, compare notes on plastic surgeons.
Mallory: and have contests over who's had more surgeries
Negi: The day they decide to compare scars, the court is adjourned indefinitely.
***
We here at Shiny Tacky People pledge to keep you informed through every step of the trial, from who's wearing what to who breaks down screaming "This whole courtroom is out of order!" We'll give you photos, we'll give you recaps, we'll give you drinking games, we'll give you Michael Jackson song parodies.

We do it all for you.

Well, we mostly do it for us, but a little bit is for you.

A tale of two tackies.

2005-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

First Bennifer. Then Mary Kate and Ashley. Now . . . Paris and Nicky? According to the Internet Movie Database, Paris Hilton is feuding with her sister Nicky Hilton over whose name should head the publicity campaign for their joint business venture. The hotel heiresses intend to open a line of upscale retail stores selling clothes and accessories they have designed, but Paris is convinced she will prove to be the major attraction to customers, not her lesser-known 21-year-old sibling. And so Paris is insisting all their products feature her name sprawled across them. A source tells gossip site The Scoop, "It's not a matter of pettiness or sibling rivalry. It's being a smart businesswoman. Her attitude is, basically, it's me who the public are interested in. She feels the products should be called Heiress Paris."

Of course we at Shiny Tacky People are fervently hoping for the reconciliation of these two Titans of Tacky. However, even as we cross our fingers, we can't help but speculate as to the development of this rift:

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: Hi!
Hi Paris! Where are you? I have the best idea!

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Hi!
Who r u?

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Hi!
Paris: It's me! Nicky! I have a great idea. When you get this, write me, 'k?

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hi!
Nick? Nicky, is that you? OMG, i totally new you'd come back! I luv u soooo much. If i could have 1 wish its that you wood never stop luving me, and it came true! Lets go to Bungalow 8 tonite, 'k? U get the Jack Daniels, and I'll call Page 6. Luv 4eva, Paris

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: It's me!
Paris: What are you talking about? It's me! Nicky! Dark hair . . . stands behind you at premieres . . . remember?

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: It's me!
Nicole? Why r u sending me messages? Whats going on? R we on TV? R we in Arkansaw? Confused.

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: It's me!
Jesus. It's your sister. Nicky Hilton. We have the same parents? I was married for like 5 minutes? Remember?

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: It's me!
O. Hi Nicky. Whats up? And my names not Jesus, silly, its Paris. Jesus is the gardener.

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: Product line.
Paris: It's your sister. Nicky. Again. I want to launch a line of clothes and accessories. I'm going to call it 'Nicky's Necessities.' Do you want to be my partner? We can be like the Olsens!

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Product line.
The Olsens? Can they introduce us to Uncle Jesse? He's hott. Your product line sounds hott, 2. But 'Nicky's necessetaries' isn't hott. Let's name it after me! We can call it 'Heiress Paris.' Everyone will want to buy stuff with my name on it!11!

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Product line.
Like they bought 'The Simple Life 3'? No way.

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Product line.
OMGWATEVADONTBEAHATA!!111! No 1 even nose who u r, Nicky! Even me, most days! If we call it 'Nicky's necessetaries' we might as well cell it at that big place that cells walls, where all the poor ugly people shop. 'Heiress Paris' is classy.

To: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
From: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
Subject: WHATEVER!
WALMART?!?!?! That's about as classy as most of your 'fans' are you @#*(*#%(*#*) attention-sucking !*(#*(#)($()*$&($)* and your eye looks like Don Vito from 'Viva la #@*@#%(#$(() it's only got one 't' you @*(#@#)(()%&&#@) night vision @*($*($())#_)#*##__ cult of celebrity @(#(#$()$( _ that's not a dog it's a #*(*$#()$ genetic experiment gone wrong #(#)(#@_) singing career #@(@)#(_@)! haven't we suffered enough?!?!((#$(*#@()( seen your #*@)(( more often than your gynecologist @#(#@()$#% ()*_) KILL ALL THE BRUTES!!!11!!

To: Nicky Hilton, the_other_1@yahoo.com
From: Paris Hilton, heiressparis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: WHATEVER!
Nick?!?! Nick, baby, I new it was you!!11! That's hott.

A Night In The Life of Tacky Reid

2005-02-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

Tara Reid and a gentleman friend went out recently (what? I know, I'm shocked, too) and had a grand old time. No strangers to drunk-dialing ourselves, we can only imagine the phone conversations she had as her night went on.

11:00 PM

Hi Paris! It's me, Tara! Remember, your BFF? Anyhoo, I'm totally out with my new hott boyfriend and I was just calling to say hi and see what your plans are, are you going to be out, too? maybe we can totally hang out! Like in the good old days, we can, like, hang out and drink and make fun of Debbies like we used to. Isn't that a good idea? And I look so totally cute, you don't even know, I'm doing that whole pointy toe thing, and a fur coat, faux of course, and my Louis. So just call, me, kay? Love ya!"

11:20 PM

Hi Carson! It's me, Tara? Remember me? Remember when we were going to get married? That was pretty awesome, you could have had the hottest wife of any of the MTV VJs. I mean Kurt Loder? Whatevs! So I'm out with my new boyfriend. No, no, not the guy I was dating before, I just met this guy just now, he's totally sweet, way mature and like smart and stuff. And he's bringing back the retro trend, he's totally dressing like Don Johnson on that Miami Mice show, it's totally hott. I love a smart guy, I guess that's why it didn't work out with us. Well, I just wanted to say hi, I'm gonna go do some body shots! Love ya!"

11:35 PM

Hi Nicky! It's me, Tara! I used to be friends with you and your sister until you dumped me for that skank Lindsay Lohan? I was just calling to tell you that I just had the best drink everrrrrrrr, it tasted sooooooo good. What? I don't know what it was called, I think it had vodka and rum and ginny ginny gin in it. Wait, no, don't hang up! Nicky! I love you! Stop that! No, I really dooooooooo love you! I'd never betray you like Paris did, like how she slept with your husband on, like, your wedding night! She didn't tell you that? Ooopsie! Okay, call me later! Bye!"

12:02 AM

Parisssssh? It's Taaaaara. I didn't call Nicky! Why would I do that, I'd never betraaaaay you. Except that time that I shtooole your purrrrrrrse. But I didn't know it was yours, I swear! I thought it was Bijou's! Don't haaaaate me! Parissssssh? Helloooooooooooooooo?

1:19 AM

Helloooo? Who is this? This is Tara. I don't know where I am. What? Who? Wait...I think I just peed in my pants. Teehee. Um. My eyelashes hurt.

Turning Tacky-nese.

2005-02-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

Followers of Gwen Stefani's career are no doubt aware that the singer is seldom seen in public these days without four young Japense women, who stand silently beside or behind her at public appearances, and perform as her backup dancers during promotional events for the release of her new album 'Love Angel Music Baby.' What Stefani fans may not know is that, according to MSN News, she requires the four girls, all of whom are proficient in English, to speak Japanese at all times.

What do the girls talk about while Stefani poses on, oblivious? We here at Shiny Tacky People can only imagine . . .

Girl 1: Is she . . . why is she wearing a top hat?
Girl 4: Maybe she wants to be a lion tamer.
Girl 2: Or a magician. Maybe she could generate a career for Gavin out of thin air.
Girl 3: Don't make fun of Gavin. He seems like he'd be a good dad. And she looks hella good.
Girl 2: Please. She looks like Willy Wonka. All she needs is an Oompa-Loompa.
Girl 4: Look you guys! There's Lindsay Lohan!

Girl 2: Okay. The shoes. Did I miss the part where we robbed a Frederick's of Hollywood on the ride over?
Girl 4: They're shiny.
Girl 3: Her feet are tangled up in spiderwebs.
Girl 1: Well, she certainly can't be comfortable. Poor girl.
Girl 2: Poor girl?! Poor us! At least she doesn't have to look at the hair!
Girl 4: She looks pretty! Like Alice in Wonderland!
Girl 2: If by 'Wonderland' you mean that strip club on Sunset, then yes, absolutely.
Girl 3: She tried to explain in the limo, and I was like, 'Don't speak! Don't tell me, 'cause it hurts.'
Girl 1: Be nice, you two! . . . Ow! Someone pinched me!
Girl 3: What did you expect? All the boys get the girls in the back.
Girl 4: Who are all these people? Is it a circus?
Girl 2: It's a Fellini movie, is what it is.

Girl 4: Why does she keep talking about 'LAMB'? Lambs are sheep, right? Are we sheep?
Girl 3: OH! I've had it up to here!
Girl 1: Calm down. [Sigh]. I've told you a thousand times - it's her clothing line. It stands for 'Love Angel Music Baby.' Look at our t-shirts.
Girl 2: 'Angel'? She's always making music about love and babies, so I guess that makes sense, but . . . 'Angel'? Why not 'AppearencestothecontraryGavinreallyreallylovesme'? Or 'AngstbecauseTonydumpedmeomigoditstillhurtssooooomuch'?
Girl 4: Well, I was just wondering. Because, I mean, we're not sheep.
Girl 1: That's right, honey. We're not.
Girl 2: [Snort.] SOME of us aren't.
Girl 3: Oh, stop making fun of her. She's just a girl, little old she. Just don't let her out of your sight.
Girl 2: Okay, you guys? Don't you find Gwen's fetishization of our culture to be kind of creepy? I think there are vague colonialist overtones to us following her around silently all the time. Plus, I don't like being Webster to her Michael Jackson, you know?
Girl 1: . . .
Girl 3: . . .
Girl 4: . . . Wait, Willy Wonka? The guy with the candy?

Dear Diary, Love Tacky

2005-02-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

In an unprecedented coup, we at Shiny Tacky People got access to Tara Reid's diary. For those of you who pay attention to detail, the diary is pink and fuzzy. We thought that, considering her rough week, career-wise, we'd check in to see how Tara is holding up. We changed all spelling errors to make the reading experience easier

February 1, 2005

Dear Diary,

Oh my god, I am at the beach and it is sooooo fun. It's really warm and I went swimming! In the water! But the water was sooooo cold. And that thing in the sky was so bright and hot, I don't know why! I don't get it!

Paris isn't returning my phone calls anymore:( She's too busy hanging out with that Debbie Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan is such a mean girl and she can't even sing that good. I could probably sing better than her. And she threw up after five drinks that night in Vegas, I've NEVER thrown up before ten. Why wouldn't Paris want to hang out with me? Nicky says it's because I always smell like vodka and cigarettes, but that's not true, I always make sure to spray on some Coolwater before I go anywhere, I don't know what she's talking about. And that Lindsay dated Fez, he's not even the famousest of the guys on That 70s Show and what's the use in dating anybody if they aren't way famous? Paris thinks Lindsay is so cool because she's hosted Saturday Night Live and was in that Mean Girls movie with Tina Whatever, but you know what Paris? I've been on Saturday Night Live too! They mention me ALL the time. God!

All the critics are being SO MEAN about my new movie. They keep saying it's bad and I'm stiff and not good in it, but I'd like to see them rememberize lines after a bender! It's not easy to walk in a straight line AND remember stuff to say. I was real proud of that movie, because it shows I am a serious actresss. I got to play an anthromolopogist. They're the guys who talk about the Mayans and old people and history and anthropozology. I got to wear glasses in the movie and they made me feel so smart! Except people called me "four eyes" and I don't really know what that means. Everybody knows you have three eyes, duh.

I guess I have to wait to get that Academy Award that I always wanted. Maybe for my next movie, with that guy from that vampire show and that guy who got arrested for freeing lobsters. I don't remember what their names are, but they weren't hott, so why would I even care?

Anyhoo, I am gonna go open that bottle of spiced rum and go buy more eyeliner. Would you believe that this island only had seventy tubes of eye kohl? How is anybody supposed to stay here for more than two days?

XOXOXOXO
Tara:)

Tacky Boys Can't Dance

2005-01-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

If we had a file for Tackiest Celebrity Lawsuits, which we don't (...yet), we'd have to put this right up front.

Javier Bardem Sued For His Dance Moves

What? I know, I was confused too. Was Darren suing him for ripping off choreography from Darren's Dance Grooves? Was the Pope mad because Bardem wouldn't dance for him? (Remember, JP loves those crazy breakdancers)

It turns out that a model is suing Bardem for injuring her at a club with his spastic dance moves. She apparently has had problems breathing since the incident and assorted other injuries.

From someone's dancing.

...

His lawyer claims that

Several witnesses confirm that he was not drunk

So, either

a)This incident is bullshit

b)He was dancing with, like, knives or something

c)He's just that bad of a dancer that even the slightest glimpse of his sweet moves can cause injury

I don't know about you, but I am picturing him like David Brent from The Office, perhaps mixed with a little of Ashlee's hoedown. If this is the case, I do believe that all of the club patrons can in fact file a class action lawsuit.

We will bring you more details as the story develops...
***
Shallow Girl Update

It seems that not even a dumping via text message can deter Crackhead Pete Doherty from being with Kate Moss, as the two are back together, which concerns Jefferson Hack, Kate's babydaddy, who is threatening to sue Kate for custody of their daughter.

This could be like a Kramer vs. Kramer for the ages, a true lesson in tackiness and drug use.

And, okay, I want to know the type of apology Kate got that made her take back a crackhead and, essentially, choose him over the safety of her daughter. Was it in a text message?

OMG-DONT BE A H8ER! I LUV U:)

I mean, really, how could a girl say no to that?

Kate Moss: Model of Tacky Perfection

2005-01-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

What a week it's been for Kate Moss. Such an extraordinarily tacky week that I do believe it's time to bestow upon her the title of Shallow Girl of the Week.

Kate Moss has made a career out of being the last of the great supermodels (I will save my thesis on Supermodels for another time), though she's equally well known for the controversy that seems to follow her wherever she goes.

Like, all she wanted to do was be a Calvin Klein model, but people just kept harassing her with these outrageous claims about her promoting anorexia and rampant drug use. Sure, she was about 75 pounds and had an alarming crackho look about the eyes, but whatever, people, let her live!

Then she and her boyfriend Johnny Depp (aside: they may be the greatest celeb couple of all time) just wanted to wreck a hotel room. Where's the harm in that? But Johnny got all "arrested" for not following "the law".

And she just wanted to date people, you guys. Lots of people. People that, say, her BFF Jade Jagger were dating. Like we haven't all stolen our best friend's man before. And then there was Billy Zane and Jefferson Hack and Daniel Craig and Daniel McMillain and-well, you get the point.

Then there was that whole liver failure and trip to rehab business and the fact that she was nicknamed a Cocaine Hoover.

Janice Dickinson would be proud.

So you may be wondering what is so tacky about the life of Ms. Moss this week. Where to begin?

A none too flattering biography came out recently which provides details of the drinks, drugs, dates and possibly something about her modeling? Kate's camp admits that she's none too pleased (although as far as books about models go, this one's pretty same. Not that I had pre-ordered it or anything)

Kate also turned 31 recently and celebrated in style. If by style, you mean wearing a sparkly bra top and yellow hot pants.

Sparkly bra top. Yellow hot pants.

But you know what? Kate's just fierce enough to pull that off. Maybe. Her 31st birthday was, of course, crazy, as all her parties are and we, for one, wish we had scored an invite.

Then there were the stories about her relationship with Pete Doherty of The Libertines who is, to quote the press, a crackhead. Really. They got their names tattooed on each other. Awww! That must be true luv!

But Kate's friends were concerned about his hardcore partying and even Sadie Frost commented that she didn't like him.

Okay, when Sadie Frost tells you that your boyfriend parties too hard, things are messed up. Because Sadie Frost is the queen of the Primrose Hill crazies, what with the being carried out of parties and festivals plastered and the whole never managing to keep her breasts in her dress and that incident where her daughter took Ecstasy (d'oh!). So when Sadie is the voice of reason? You've reached a new low.

So Kate takes Sadie's advice and dumps Pete....via text message.

Oh, would that we could have seen it! I wonder what it says and if she used "LOL" and "U" and emoticons. I truly hope that she did. And note to the British press-y'all hunted down David Beckham's text messages quickly, get on this, okay?

It's a bunch of tacky awesomeness and an average week in the life of a supermodel. We Shallow Girls salute you, Kate!

"The situation is Tacky."

2005-01-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears has another reason to be sorry we don't have what she has, y'all: according to the IMdB, Britney Spears is taking her secret Kabbalah lessons seriously - she's had a Hebrew symbol tattooed on the back of her neck. The pop superstar, who has dabbled with the mystical offshoot of Judaism after being introduced to it by pal Madonna, seems to be getting serious about all things Kabbalah. Her new Hebrew symbol, which represents "the power of healing," is one of two new tattoos Britney has had inked on her - the other is a personal symbol of her love for new husband Kevin Federline. She explains, 'I have pink dice on my left wrist. It's something me and my husband we did together. He has blue dice, I have pink dice.'

How nice that the famously impetuous Ms. Spears has decided to commemorate each and every event in her life with a celebratory tattoo.

To help her decide which tattoo to select for each occasion, we here at Shiny Tacky People are proud to present the first installment of 'Tattoos You Can Use: The Britney Spears Edition':

Madonna, Britney's 'best friend forever,' dumps her
As revenge, Kevin gets a tattoo reading 'Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer' (a line from the signature song of Madge's nemesis, Elton John) on his genitalia. [Ed note: The lawyers representing Shiny Tacky People apologize for any nausea, vomiting, spontaneous blindness or suicidal thoughts the preceding statement may have caused.]

Two weeks after Kevin's 'birthday with the guys' in Vegas
'It's just something me and my husband did together. I have the symbol for penicillin. He has the phone number of the free clinic.'

Britney learns that one of the tenants of Judaism is that the skin must not be marked
A tattoo reading 'D'oh!' in Hindi.

First anniversary
For her: 'Kevvie + Britney = 4EVA'
For him: 'One down . . . '

Pregnancy
For her: 'TOP THIS, JUSTIN!'
For him: 'Oops. I did it again.'

Divorce
For her: '~~Kevvie +~~ Britney = 4EVA' (for convenience, 'Britney=4EVA' is also the name of her 'comeback' album)
For him: '$$ I'm rich, bitch! $$'
For baby: 'Send help!'

Tacky's Near Death Experiences

2005-01-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

Christian Slater escapes knife attack in London.

Perhaps this will sound crass of me, but...if one were going to stab a celebrity, shouldn't you aim higher than Christian Slater? I mean, I can see not liking the guy, as he made a living out of (poorly) impersonating Jack Nicholson, being a "bad boy", has been known to hang out with Tara Reid and really is quite annoying.

But if you were going to do something that would send you to jail, why Christian Slater? I just don't understand, the man hasn't been famous for, er, let's say ten years and his most recent role was "Guy Whose Skanky Wife Physically Abuses Him" in the blockbuster Ben Affleck And Stripper #3: A Night to Remember. I mean, even The IMDB thinks he's lame, as one of his pieces of trivia is: Born on the same day as Oscar-nominated actor Edward Norton. He also shares a birthday with the following celebrities: Denis Leary, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Patrick Swayze and Robert Redford. That's when you know things are sad, when your own trivia page refers to actors more famous than you and Malcolm-Jamal Warner is one of those actors.

But really, tacky celebrities have been fighting for their tacky little lives lately, it would seem. Just last week, Courtney Peldon, resident star of Go Fug Yourself was stabbed on the set of her movie. Perhaps I should put movie in quotes, as I'm sure it's not a groundbreaking piece of cinema, since it stars Courtney Peldon, who often leaves her house dressed like this. Fashion sense doesn't get much tackier.

(Speaking of tacky, Miss Peldon is currently dating Jason Davis, brother of Tacky Heir Brandon Davis, who is dating Mischa Barton. It's like some sort of fucked up 90210 sort of situation, except none of them are quite as tragic as Kelly Taylor and they don't have as much taste. And when you have less taste than a show with Tori Spelling on it, there are problems)

And then, of course, there's Aaron Carter, everybody's favorite sister tonguing, meth addicted opponent of Shaquille O'Neal. Apparently he also sings? Who knew! Aaron got into a little bit of trouble recently, when his SUV was set on fire by a wayward mattress. I...I don't know how that's possible, really, and am endlessly amused by the fact that he tried to put out the fire with bottled water. Always thinking, our little Aaron is.

Amusingly, in his statement, he compared himself to a cat and said he feels like he only has five lives left. We can only imagine what his other near death experiences were:

The time he almost drowned?
The time he got "attacked" by a "shark"? (Read: Fell into a goldfish pond)
An accident in the meth lab?
Syphilis?

Who knows? All I'm saying is that tacky celebrities may want to watch out, because it's been dangerous waters out there lately.

Single Tacky Female Looking For Single Tacky Male

2005-01-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

So Nicole Kidman is dating Steven Bing. Quite a step down from her first husband, the most famous man in the world, isn't it? I mean sure, Bing's rich and all, but he's also heinously ugly and perhaps best known for his starring roles in "Hell No, I Didn't Knock Up Liz Hurley!" and the sequel "Ooops, My Bad, I Totally Did".

So a catch he's not.

I wonder, then, what Nicole Kidman looks for in a man. I mean, if The Rules have taught women anything, it's that we need to be discerning while picking a suitable mate and choose men based on qualities that indicate success at something. And if we're being real, Nicole Kidman could land a winner--she's pretty (okay, she used to be pretty), she's a great dresser (most of the time, barring that figure skater on crack thing and the ruffled tiered pink monstrosity), she's rich and she has an Oscar. She could be part of a power couple or something.

And yet, she goes for the scrubs. I can only imagine what her Dream Man Checklist looks like...

1. Must have money
(A reasonable demand to be sure. You would never see Nicole dating some gas station attendant, you know?)
2.Must be willing to discuss our intimate, private details with Howard Stern
(What better way to show respect for the sanctity of a relationship than going straight to Howard Stern like ex-boyfriend Q-Tip did? I can only think of one more, which is releasing a sex tape, but Paris Hilton has the market cornered there.)
3.Must have a checkered romantic history; bonus points if he makes a habit of going for teenage girls
(All I'll say is Lenny Kravitz? Has made a habit of dating models, some only a few years older than his teenage daughter. I think I speak for us all when I say "Ew")
4.Must wear clothes that blind pimps would deem fugly
5.Should make a habit out of staunchly denying any and all rumors pertaining to children and/or sexuality
[Shiny Tacky People's Legal Team removed comment that included the words "Tom" "Homosexual" and "Cruise" in the same sentence; we apologize for any inconvenience]
6.Should have at least six sexually transmitted diseases; preferably ten or more
(Dude...have you seen Lenny Kravitz and Steven Bing? The syphilis radiates off of the computer screen just reading their names. And ex-lovah (allegedly) Tobey Maguire belongs to a group of guys called the Pussy Posse. If that's not class, I don't know what is)
7. Should be the type of guy who says "Yo, bitch, bring me that fucking beer"
(Dude...have you seen Lenny Kravitz and Steven Bing?)
8. Can settle for someone decent looking, but ugly is even better

Obviously, Nicole has devoted herself to taking in the grossest men society has to offer. And I guess we should thank her for it, as it gets them off the streets and away from normal women (provided that they don't cheat on her, anyway). So, um, thanks, Nicole. Thank you for your effort to date the Kings of Tacky. We Shallow Girls salute you.

Tacky has an Apprentice

2005-01-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

As you all have probably heard, Donald Trump's fiancee will be posing on the cover of Vogue in her wedding gown as part of the media blitz surrounding their upcoming wedding. Presumably the Donald's handlers believed this display of opulence would demonstrate to the world his love for his bride-to-be, the perpetually sneering Melania Knauss. Unfortunately, the massive over-marketing and ubiquity of this wedding are fast turning it into The Star Jones Reynolds Nuptials 2: The Tackening (with less barely suppressed homosexuality).

Back to the dress: let us ignore for a moment the fact that Melania and Donald display for one another the natural chemistry and affection of oil and water. Or Posh Spice and Naomi Campbell. Or Paris Hilton and clothes.

Let us instead focus on the fact that this gown, which looks like the bastard offspring of a Sears white sale and a wedding cake, may be the most eye-avertingly awful image to grace the cover of a magazine since Demi provided us with an all-expenses paid tour of her stretch marks on the cover of Vanity Fair. With all of Trump's money, don't you think he could have sprung for a dress that isn't pasty, unattractive, overpriced, over hyped, and overexposed? Oh well. They tell me that, at the best weddings, the groom and the gown match.

Tacky and the Bandit.

2005-01-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton is being investigated for a petty theft: apparently, she took a copy of her infamous sex video from a newsstand without paying for it. We can only imagine the investigation:

"Miss Hilton, we're going to need to ask you some questions about your behavior at a newsstand last week. It appears you took a copy of the film "One Night in Paris" without paying for it. Is that true?"
"It's my movie. It's hott."
"Yes, well, be that as it may, you didn't pay for it."
"It's my movie! I'm in it! I'm hott! Why should I have to pay for it?"
"Miss Hilton, it is NOT your movie. The owner of the newstand has to be compensated for his wares."
" . . ."
"You have to pay the little man money to see the movie."
"That's not hott."

The Tacky Commandments

2005-01-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

There is a place in the world for reasonable people. It's called accounting.

The world of celebrity is meant for people who are larger than life, over the top and just one stop short of dementia. People who think nothing of exorbitant spending, salacious love affairs and ridiculous demands.

We call these people The Tacky People. And we love them.

Being tacky is an art and harder than one might think. Even harder than, like, math. There are rules that go along with being the shallowest of the shallow and tacky celebrities do all that they can to follow these rules. They're called...The Tacky Commandments.

THE TACKY COMMANDMENTS When It Comes To Spending, Thou Must Have No Limit

Tacky people love making money, but not nearly as much as they love spending it. And spend it they do. Kimora Lee Simmons, one-time model (for, like, a day) and full-time trophy wife, spends money like it's going out of style, making her the owner of the largest Louis Vuitton collection in North America. For a company that sells ugly handbags at $7,000, that's quite an achievement.

Thou Must Not Worry If They Has No Talent

So you want to be famous, but you have no discernable talent. What are you to do? Give up? That's not what tacky people do. Tacky people use their connections to land film or music deals no matter what. Ashlee Simpson (who gets bonus points for the totally tacky bastardization of the name Ashley) can't sing, dance, OR lip synch and she's one of the year's best selling artists. Paris Hilton can't do...anything, and she has a hit show and a record deal! To quote P herself, that's hot.

Thou Shalt Wear The Revealingest Of Clothes, For Thou Must Show The World Thy Cooter

Tacky people are not demure. They don't do turtlenecks, modest skirts or bras. Tacky people let it all hang out-literally. Tara Reid is often photographed in a drunken stupor with various appendages showing. Paris Hilton wears clothing the size of washcloths. And Lil' Kim...Lil' Kim won't be stopped until we actually see up her vagina.

There Is No Task That Cannot Be Done Better By Thy Staff

What, you think tacky people do their own housework? As if. Tacky people don't even brush their own teeth. For one to be truly tacky, one needs to pay someone else to do the most banal tsaks. Witness Farnsworth Bentley, P. Diddy's personal umbrealla holder. UMBRELLA HOLDER. Though Farnsworth gets tacky points for swinging this into a career of his own, as professional music video cameo man. There's also David and Victoria Beckham, who have someone to open their childrens' presents on Christmas. A professional present opener. Wrap your mind around that one.

Thou shalt not fear the papparazzi, for the overexposed shall inherit the US magazine cover

For tacky folk, there is no such thing as overexposure. Tacky celebrities love the paparazzi, smiling and preening whenever a paparazzo is near. Paris Hilton loves cameras. Paris Hilton is the type of person who'd rush down Canal Street to get into a picture with a group of tourists. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, back when they were known as Bennifer, would call the paparazzi and inform them where they'd be, so they could get their pictures spread all over the world. What does this get them? No, not annoyance--magazine covers, a tacky sleb's lifeblood.

Thou must ignoreth the tenents of monogomy, even when thou art busted

Loving, committed relationships have no place in the world of tackiness. Vows of monogamy are for squares, just ask David Beckham and Justin Timberlake, both of whom were caught cheating on their respective partner, denied it in the press and continued to live life with their fly open.

Thou shalt treat public space as private bathroom

Tacky people have no qualms about puking in public. The world is their oyster, they don't need to follow rules and "public decency". Just ask Nicky Hilton, who has been caught vomiting in Bungalow 8 more times than anybody is willing to count. Or Britney Spears, who was photographed with vomit on her shirt exiting an LA nightclub, which doesn't beat the time that she was so sick that she was carried out of a Las Vegas nightclub by her cornrow wearing hubby.

Thou shalt support thy aging deluded parents

What's better than a shallow, unseemly star? A shallow, unseemly star who treats her parents like they're her best friends and not her elders. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan not only love their mothers, they take them out to clubs and get drunk with them. If that's not tacky love, I don't know what is.

Thou must not fight in private places

One of the most important tenents of tack-public fighting is important. What's the use of having a feud if no one is going to hear about it? From Bette and Joan to Hilary and Lindsay, celebrity catfights are tacky and brilliant and, above all, meant for the public to see. How else does one explain Paris Hilton and Lisa Marie throwing drinks at each other? Or Paris and Nicky Hilton throwing cigarettes at Paris's ex and his girlfriend? Or the infamous exchange between Naomi Campbell and Victoria Beckham:

Naomi: Tell me again why they call you Posh?
Victora: If you tell me why it is that they call you beautiful

Catfights = Pure Tack = Pure Awesomeness

Thou Must Have A Catchphrase and Use It As Often As Possible; Thou Must Also Try To Get A Copyright

Tacky folk love having a phrase that is uniquely theirs, something that will go down in history (or at least People's Year In Review issue) as part of their allure. Donald Trump has "You're fired". Lindsay Lohan has made "That's retarded" famous, and has gotten the AAMR on her back. And, of course, Paris Hilton has "That's hot"--she says it, wears it, and lives it. And, yeah, that's hot.
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Shiny Tacky People is here to bring you, the gentle reader, the gossip, the analysis and the love for the most tacky of all celebrities. No celebrity is too shallow, no news item is too gauche, no solid gold plated toilet seat is too opulent. We're here to make the world safe for shallow.